Becoming Mama Wong

Ready or not!

2011-07-26T19:03:00.003+08:00

Here she comes!!

Tomorrow would be my EDD at 27 July 2011 - and after Dr P's appointment today, we decided to induce the birth tonight (26 July 2011) as she was getting a tad big and had not engaged just yet. And if after 10-12 hours nothing happens, we would go for a Caesarean birth in the morning.

Whao! What sudden news! I was expecting to wait a few more days.

Right now she is estimated to be a rather chubby 3.4-3.5kg baby, and Dr P was worried that if we waited a few more days - she would be even fatter!

It is rather funny how she had this weight gain over four days - I gained 800 grams in four days.

Well, I'm looking forward to feel the labour pains tonight once they have inserted the pill to induce me - at least I hope I have some reaction to it!

Praying that it would be a safe birth, and we would welcome a healthy and happy little baby girl into the world tomorrow morning.

*Fingers crossed!!!!

She will be a Leo!

2011-07-23T15:23:00.002+08:00

Today is the 23rd of July, which marks the start of the Leo astrological sign... and that would mean Baby J would be born a Leo just like her daddy!!

Small thing, but little things can get one quite, quite excited. :D

Based on the last check-up with Dr P, looks like she's still pretty happy being inside me. Not yet dropped nor engaged, but water levels still good and placenta still in ok condition - no reason for birth to be induced just yet! So we are going back again on Tuesday, 26th July - a day before the EDD to see how things are moving along.... unless something happens before that!

I think she's going to be a bit late, but I suppose we will never quite know. When I stand and sit, the pressure on the nerves on my pelvic floor and bladder are much sharper - so sharp sometimes that it wakes me from my sleep! Dr P says that is her trying to engage her head - which is good news. It's just a bit harder to walk these days.

We finally put up the wall decals on the nursery yesterday and it looks so pretty! Much more like a nursery now - only missing is the framed pictures which we haven't gotten down to doing just yet. Got a feeling it would probably be hung after she arrives - not ideal, but we are talking a very small time frame here now!

More updates soon! xo

What to expect from the Confinement Lady

2011-07-20T18:11:00.004+08:00

There is this constant Q&A (a.k.a Badgering) going on between my MiL and us about our mysterious Confinement Lady (CL) whom we've hired following glowing reviews from our friends.

We like that they all unanimously agreed that she was not too traditional nor strict, rather easy-going, understanding and willing to close an eye when it comes to dealing with sensitive issues (usually family traditions and beliefs-related in nature). Also helps that she is suppose to be quite a good cook.

So finally, after realising that saying that "we will go with the flow when she arrives" doesn't quite cut it; I decided to give a call to one of my friends who recently used her, and this is what I've learnt:

1) I won't be able to wash my hair for 14 days after birth!!! And then only one more wash another 14 days after that, which is just before the Full Moon! GOOD LORD. Maybe I really should go cut my hair before I pop.

2) CL would handwash all the baby's clothes and machine-wash my clothes - at my request, unless I have a maid to assist. Not sure if I should use my stand-in maid, since my maid would not have arrived yet.

3) CL would wake up early (6.00am-7.00am) to wash clothes, prepare food for the day, prepare the baths for both Baby J and I.

4) CL would bathe Baby J in a special boiled herbal formula, which can be bought at Chinese Medicine Shops; I would also 'bathe' using one basin-full of some herbal concoction - and only once a day.

5) CL would plan my menu (B, L, D) for the following day, and would request my MiL or hubby to buy things if need be. She can also go out and buy as long as someone is able to drive her out. CL would boil soups and cook all my meals, and if hubby likes something she would cook extra for him.

6) CL would eat the food that the rest of the family eats, and since she eats early, I should arrange for her portion of food to be left aside first.

7) CL may also do some light housework, especially to ensure that the room Baby J and I are staying is clean at all times. But this I think I can get my stand-in maid to help out.

8) When Baby J wakes up at night, CL may or may not wake me up for a feed (depending if I've some breastmilk in storage). If I'm very tired, then she may not wake me even if I told her to. She would heat up the milk and feed Baby J herself by bottle while I get to rest. I am pondering this, as I prefer if Baby J feeds from my breasts as long as possible - some may say I'm foolish, but we shall take it as it comes.

9) CL does not take any breaks during the day, only resting when Baby J and I are.

This is all I remember at the moment.. will add on as I remember along the way - it was a pretty long phonecall.

One week to go!!!!!

2011-07-20T17:55:00.004+08:00

Today is exactly one week to the Estimated Due Date! Of course, we wouldn't know what to expect in the next 14 days since I could either be early or late.

Dr P has said that he wouldn't wait beyond five days after the due date (five days after 27th July would be 1st August).

So far, I don't think she has dropped nor has she engaged properly yet. I still feel the same - there has been no ease in breathing or any difference in eating (as the uterus would have dropped lower, giving my lungs and stomach more space) as I still get the occasional heartburn; and I don't feel any long-lasting extra pressure to my bladder and pelvic wall, despite the occasional twinge or 'banging' on the nerves below.

One thing for sure, she seems to have grown quite a bit the last few days - I am HUGE. Everyone has been commenting that's probably her last bit of growth spurt... I hope she won't be too big to give birth to - I was expecting her to be relatively small all the way till two weeks ago only!

Am I mentally and physically ready?

Is anyone ever ready for something like this anyway??

I get tired walking up and down the stairs, but when I don't think about it (like when I am shopping for essentials before I pop), I can walk for an hour or two non-stop and my hubby gets tired first. Mind over matter!!

Maybe that's how I should work it when labour finally comes... Mind over Matter!!

Oh it's an exciting time. While I have been feeling some blues following off-handed and unnecessary comments from my mum-in-law (who thinks being prepared is a sign of weakness, sees no reason to work on anything until the last minute, nags over irrelevant issues, and always thinks she knows better than anybody else - even professionals), I'm trying to ignore her and look forward to the little angel we have been waiting for.

As my hubby puts it, it took a while but she's on her way into our arms very, very soon. How blessed we are..

Baby J, we will be seeing you soon. Love, Mummy & Daddy

Getting closer...

2011-07-19T01:01:00.002+08:00

It's starting to hurt a bit at my pelvic floor... I feel sensations, twinges, pressure at the lower region - and I've never felt it before. Sometimes it hurts, sometimes its just uncomfortable when I walk.

Once or twice I actually gasp outloud when Baby J hit a nerve down there!

I think she could be trying to engage... well I hope so, since people say that the baby should be engaged before labour begins.

Day by day, getting closer... Hubby is getting slightly more anxious - FINALLY! He keeps running through the drill, what to do when I go into labour/water bag burst: 1) Grab bags! 2) Drive! 3) Go to Birthing Floor! etc etc

Well, luckily we live so near the hospital so we really don't have to panic or pre-plan our route. Then again, I'm sure all hell would break loose when the time comes!!

My stash of Cloth Wipes and Wash Cloths!

2011-07-15T02:13:00.016+08:00

While I was obsessing about which cloth diapers to buy, I was also obsessing about cloth wipes, wet bags and other cloth diaper accessories!

Here are the cloth wipes and wash cloths I got in the end, also following reviews from blogs:

Disclaimer: I must admit that right now it's all theory for me, I probably won't know how good, easy or useful these cloth wipes/wash cloths are until I actually start using them when Baby J arrives.

Cloth wipes for Baby J's bottom: diaper change, bum mess, etc

Wahmies Multi-Purpose Cloth Wipes (RM6.50 each, Mia Bambina)

These cloth wipes are one layer cotton sherpa and cotton flannel on the other side. Because of the soft but textured side of cotton sherpa, it's suppose to be easier to clean crusty bum mess with water. When I received it, I expected it to be super soft but they were rather stiff and starched - I reckon with use and more washes, they would get softer. They look and feel much more hardy than the normal cloth wipe, so I think they may last awhile. I bought 10 in the same print (Pink Kitties) so they would not be confused and be used for non-bum areas!

GroVia Cloth Wipes (RM36.90 for 12, Tiny Tapir)

I got these because they were a really good deal. Made from double layer cotton terry, these are quite thick. I plan to alternate the use of the Wahmies cloth wipes with these for cleaning up during diaper changes.

Using these two types of cloth wipes for cleaning up during diaper changes, I hope to save on spending on baby wipes and cotton wads/pads (probably need loads of these otherwise). Probably needs some getting use to, using that same piece folded in quarters to clean up, but nothing that can't be figured out! These wipes can just be thrown into the laundry together with the cloth diapers.

Cloth wipes for Baby J's face: drool, food mess, bath time, etc

Angel-Mel Organic Bamboo Cloth Wipes (RM16 for 2, Mothercare)

I was very keen to get these cloth wipes because of the organic bamboo velour layer (the other side is cotton flannel), which is super soft, absorbent and I figured, perfect for my Baby J's face! I'd reserved these as wash cloths for cleaning Baby J's face during bath time and also as a hanky for wiping up drool, food mess, etc. The only thing that bugged me was that it was hard to find prints that were similar (they are all sold pre-packed, all prints don't match) as I expect it would be tough for the help to figure out that these particular wipes are only for the face and to separate them accordingly. I got 10 of these.

I also bought some generic cotton terry cloth wipes to be used as hankies for all that drooling when Baby J starts teething. These don't seem to be so hardy, but at least they were more economical! Not sure if my hubby knows how much I've spent on just cloth wipes!

Wash cloths for Baby J's bathtime (for body)

Kushies Cotton Terry Wash Cloths (RM24 for 3, Motherswork)

Gerber Cotton Wash Cloths (RM16 for 8, Baby Jaya)

I bought these soft Kushies and Gerber cotton wash cloths to be used during bath time for cleaning Baby J's body. At first, I thought we would use just one cloth for her entire face and body, but after advice from my mum, yeah - it would be more hygenic to use a different one for her body.

It's quite a decent stash of cloth wipes and wash cloths, but I think these are things you never can have enough of! Not sure we would get any from gifts later on, but at least I know I can order somemore online if I needed any more.

I do hope that my confinement lady would be receptive to using all these recyclable stuff, but I suppose she would only be staying with us for two months. I can always attempt using them after - unless I am being very much too ambitious and foolish!! Will update!

3kg - The Magic Number

2011-07-14T16:29:00.004+08:00

Went for our weekly check-up today and we found out that Baby J is now a good 3kg (6.6 lbs) in weight! That seems to be a 'Magic Number' for parents out there, somehow everyone's so competitive about having a fat-ish baby.

She would probably be 3.2-3.3kg (7-7.3 lbs) by the time she arrives, and Dr P said that that's the average size baby - he doesn't want her to be too big as she may be harder to push out. She still hasn't 'drop' into position yet so there's still at least one more week to wait.

So it's the waiting game now... I'm probably more worried that we forgot to prepare something than her actually arriving unexpectedly - I suppose anytime she comes, it would be unexpected.

I suppose no one is ever quite completely ready when the baby comes, just got to keep reminding myself that - what you don't have, you can always get!

Counting down... 2 more weeks!

2011-07-12T16:11:00.002+08:00

Days are flying by, especially when there are lots of things going on in our lives right now.

Health concerns for a family member is at the top of our priorities right now, we are hoping he hangs on and get better by the time the little one arrives. It was a scare a few days back, and we thought we'd lost him... miracles, they do happen.

I feel like I am ready for Baby J to arrive, but being idle sometimes I start wondering - am I really ready? Have I got everything? Prepared everything? Preempt enough? Forget anything? Thoughts like these run through my mind everyhour but I keep telling myself, if we are missing anything - just get it when she arrives, no biggie at all.

Then when I meet a bunch of mothers, everyone has different advice on what to do, what to not do, what to prepare, what to buy, etc etc - it's endless!

I suppose right now, right off my mind, these are some things I have to do ASAP:

- buy Maternity Pads (apparently heavy duty sanitary pads may not be sufficient in the first week)
- take out our Breast Pump, clean it and learn to use it from the shop assistants
- re-pack my Hospital Bag to include more sarongs, milk storage bottles, and extra sets of clothes in a separate bag

I get stressed out going out with these mummy-friends, but I suppose if I don't get advise from them.. whoelse would I be getting it from? :)

Two more weeks till the EDD! So soon, so soon..

Counting down...

2011-07-06T17:44:00.001+08:00

Exactly three weeks to the estimated due date.....

That's just 21 days away...

=)

Inserts, Nappies, Prefolds and Liners

2011-07-06T00:58:00.017+08:00

Thought I nip it in the butt and continue blogging on about my stash of inserts, nappies, prefolds and liners - which are to be used together with the diaper covers and cloth diapers I've bought.

I refer to this non-exhaustive list of tips on Inserts from here:

Microfibre absorbs more quickly but may suffer from compression leaks when saturated
Hemp holds urine for longer without compression leaks but absorbs slower
Bamboo absorbs the most, but takes the longest to dry.
Microfibre dries quickest
Hemp dries faster than bamboo
If using a combination of microfibre/hemp or microfibre/bamboo always place the microfibre closest to your baby's bottom
Microfibre should not be used in direct contact with babies skin due to its drying effect

All of our cloth diapers came with inserts, but I bought two extra inserts which I figured I could use as an extra soaker for our nappies, or just in case we run out of clean ones.

Swaddlebees Microfibre-Terry Inserts (RM17.00 each, Tiny Tapir)

To be honest, I am not sure why I bought these. Moment of madness. But I'm sure I would find good use for it, as it's suppose to be very absorbent - good to have for night diapering or super-wetters. If you ask me again, I may have gone for a bamboo or organic cotton material.

Cotton Napkins - Pureen, Pigeon, Mothercare (muslin)

These are the traditional cotton nappies which our parents used with us when we were babies. Cheap, long-lasting and versatile (can be used as blankets, burp cloths, cloth wipes, etc). Not as absorbent as the super materials we get these days, but very easy to clean and fast to dry. I got 2 dozen of these cotton nappies to use together with the prefolds I bought. Keeping my Mothercare muslin nappies for other uses (non-diapering) as they are the most expensive of the lot. Folding these may take some getting use to, so thank god for youtube!

Bummis Organic Cotton Prefolds, Infant size (RM79 for six, Tiny Pants)

These Bummis Prefolds are much like the old-fashion cotton nappies (lampin) but are essentially thicker with 4 x 8 x 4 ply (Infant size ones, at least) that would be obviously more absorbent. With the middle thicker, folding a prefold would be a breeze compared to the traditional nappies which may take some getting use to. Here are some folding tips, although I have seen some other folds on youtube. I'm keen to start using these for Baby J as a newborn, hopefully my confinement lady is receptive. Prefolds generally were really tough to find, most stores were out of stock of it; was super happy to find out that I could purchase it from a neighbouring country.

Bummis Fleece Liners (RM21.36 for 5, Tiny Pants)

I knew I had to have these Bummis Fleece Liners following reviews I read on Mummy's Review, which is my go-to blog to read up on cloth diapering - the blog is practically a bible for me! I especially like how these liners are re-usable and able to wick moisture from a baby's bum and keep them dry. It's also acts as a protective layer against diaper cream (which may or may not be cloth diaper-friendly). A baby's poo can be collected on these (further protecting the cloth diaper too) to be sprayed off into the toilet, and you throw it into the wash.

Liners (RM34, Mothercare)

These are also liners but the differences are that they are flushable (as they are biodegradable) and they do not wick moisture like a fleece liner. These tissue paper-like liners also protect the cloth diaper from diaper creams, which I think it's probably their main use for. Cleaning poo off a diaper would be easier too as the poo is collected on it, you just pick up the whole liner and throw it into the flush.

So yes, this is my post on the accompaniments to my cloth diapers. There are still the little things like Snappis, baby bum balm, cloth wipes, etc. That's for the next post!

The maids just cleaned the whole stash off cloth diapers and inserts (first round, two more washes and drying to go!), and they look awfully cute hanging to dry at the laundry area. Makes me want to buy somemore!!

Should I? ;)

My stash of Cloth Diapers - thus far!

2011-07-05T20:25:00.020+08:00

I have really been bitten by the Modern Cloth Diapering bug, and been spending some time online buying a small stash to try it out. Besides saving money and good for the environment, it's also suppose to be good for a baby's bum (no diaper rash) being more breathable and it's a good start for toilet-training. Worth a try, aight?

I've been doing a lot of reading on these Cloth Diapers, and sometimes I still get confused looking at the many types, brands and options available in the market. Each have their pros and cons, different uses and alternatives for different lifestyles, and I think I've honestly only just begun to scratch the surface of the world of Cloth Diapering. Exciting all the same!

For ease of understanding, I tend to refer to this dictionary from Babe Hause, which is a reputable online store selling cloth diapers and accessories.

So far this is what I've bought based on reviews and recommendations from blogs by mums:

Thirsties Diaper Cover, XS (RM44, Tiny Tapir)

I got these Thirsties Diaper Covers because they can be used with old-fashion cotton nappies (lampin) or prefolds. They are also re-usable (you just change the nappies once soiled) after a wipe and pretty easy-looking to use. I've bought two to try in XS size, since I hope to attempt using them in the first month or so. Baby J doesn't seem to be a big baby, so I hope these can last her for a few months at least.

Thirsties DUO Wrap, Size 1 (RM59, Tiny Tapir)

This Thirsties DUO Wrap Diaper Cover is similar to the above diaper cover, the only difference being the size, as it comes with snaps to adjust the rise of the diaper to fit newborns all the way till they are 8kgs - much like a One-Size diaper. I got the Size 1 to try out first. Much like the above diaper cover, this one can be used with cotton nappies and prefolds, and is also re-usable after a quick wipe between uses.

Bummis Super Brite, S (RM45, Tiny Pants)

I bought two of these Bummis Super Brite Diaper Covers because they were highly recommended by mums in the blogosphere. As with the other diaper covers, these are also to be used with cotton nappies and prefolds. The 'S' size looks bigger than I thought, so I'm guessing Baby J wouldn't be using it till she gains some weight.

Bummis Super Whisper Wrap, S (RM55, Tiny Pants)

These Bummis Super Whisper Wrap are rather similar to the Super Brite above, the only main difference is that these do not have leg gussets which are suppose to be good for keeping leaks in - but these have an inner layer of soft polyester fabric so a baby's bum would not be touching any polyester laminate. The size 'S' I got also looks rather big for a newborn, but the good thing is that it looks like it will last for a few months easily.

Totbots EasyFit One-Size AIO (RM91, Tiny Pants)

I got this Totbots EasyFit One-Size All-in-One (AIO) Cloth Diaper because there was a promotion going on at the website I was buying things from; it was a lucky find coz I think this cloth diaper may be one of my favourites because of the inner super-soft bamboo material, as well as the bamboo insert it comes with. These diapers are much like disposables, just put them on and throw them into the wash once it's soil. I'm guessing these AIO diapers would be super-popular with my husband because of the ease of use.

BumGenius Organic One-Size AIO (RM88, Babe Hause)

I had been looking for the BumGenius Organic OS AIO diaper for awhile now, since the online shop I buy some of the diapers from had no stock of it. I am looking for super-easy AIOs for my hubby to attempt using, and this one does not get any easier. No inserts, no stuffing - just wear it on Baby J! The inner material of soft organic cotton was also what attracted me to this particular diaper.

Drybees AIO Hybrid, M (RM61)

This Drybees AIO Hybrid was the first AIO diapers I bought, and while I was pretty excited about it, my spirits sank when the online shop I got it from sent the wrong size - an 'M' size so Baby J won't be able to use them for a while. It was doubly annoying when the owner did not even apologize for the mistake, ignoring my e-mail. Anyway, these AIOs have a thick layer of microfibre sewn into the diaper and a pocket for extra inserts if need be - hence the Hybrid name. Seems to me these days that most AIOs are given the option of a pocket for additional inserts, which is great.

Fuzzibunz One-Size Pocket (RM70)

I bought the Fuzzibunz One-Size Pocket diaper following the recommendation of the (abovementioned annoying) owner of the online shop - the item I wanted was not available so I had to find a replacement diaper. This was not my first choice because I wasn't so keen on the extra adjustable bit of the elastic at the leg casings - which are really suppose to be their plus-point being able to adjust a fit for babies of all sizes. Worth a try nevertheless; and this diaper came with two micro-terry inserts (small and large sizes).

Moo Moo Kow One-Size Pocket (RM63, Baby Loft)

I was most keen to get the Moo Moo Kow One-Size Pocket Cloth Diapers because of unanimously good reviews from mums. I like it too that we have a choice of getting it in Snap or Aplix (easier for carers, but Aplix diapers generally may not last as long according to online commentary) - I got two of the Aplix and one of the Snap in a bundle to try out first. These One-Size diapers are suppose to fit newborns all the way till toddlerhood. Can't wait to try them out with Baby J; these came with two microfibre inserts (infant and toddler size).

Blueberry Minky One-Size Pocket (RM115, Babe Hause)

I got this on a whim because I was keen on trying some cloth diapers in special materials - this Blueberry Minky diaper has an outer layer of soft laminated Minky, while inside is an organic cotton and bamboo mix material. It also comes with two bamboo + cotton velour inserts. May be the luxury diaper of my stash, being more expensive than the rest. Their prints are also gorgeous, and as I couldn't decide, my hubby chose this adorable cow print.

Ok this post has turned out to be my longest yet.. but anyway, these are all the cloth diapers I've bought so far. I'm keen to buy a few more brands, but wondering if we should wait till we start using to gauge what works for us. Think I'm going to be a real cloth diaper addict!!

Will keep my post on nappies, prefolds and liners for the next post!!

Baby J's Smile

2011-07-05T17:02:00.004+08:00

Here is Baby J's smile caught on camera for the first time!

I can't stop looking at the photo... she sure looks like my husband. And she looks serene and contented... can't wait to see her in real life. I bet I wouldn't be able to stop gazing at her for hours at end!!

About three and a half weeks to go...

2011-07-05T16:30:00.002+08:00

The big day draws nearer and nearer with each passing day, and for some reason it hasn't hit my hubby hard enough to get him involve with the preparations.

He only has a few duties:
1) Clean his area in the bedroom, including storing all magazines and books
2) Check the car for Isofix (for the baby carseat)
3) Help me move heavy furniture around the nursery
4) Fix up some toys (easy, few minute stuff)

And he has done -none- of those things. I only can nag him so many times, I am almost giving up. He probably would only do it when I go into labour and by then we got more important things to worry about.

He rather goes out everyday for some useless events, setting up and attending unimportant meetings, dream about future businesses or play football games on the computer or PS3. Or doing idle things like browse the Internet while he claims to do work that he has been sitting on for weeks.

Sure, I understand that life goes on and I don't expect him to change drastically before Baby J arrives... but some support would be nice from him. Why can't he just wake up one day and say, "Today we do baby stuff!"... sigh. I would be lying if I said I am not disappointed every day that passes and he does not do anything.

Maybe that's why fathers-to-be take a 2-3 week break before the baby arrives, to settle and finalise things. Do whatever last minute things to do. Just my luck that my husband is answerable to no one but himself, so he wouldn't even consider taking a break for the baby and I.

Perhaps I am more emotional than usual being in the last leg of pregnancy... so much to expect, so much to do, in not much more time. I just wish I did not have to do it alone.

At least I have Baby J kicking and rolling around inside me to remind me that I am not completely alone! She may not be a 3kg baby, but she feels pretty rotund inside me. With a little over three weeks to go, I think I would be seeing her sooner than I know it!

I've said it before, and I will say it again.. time does flies when you are pregnant!

Almost 36 weeks: Four more weeks to go!!

2011-06-28T19:00:00.003+08:00

Time flies - and I think it flies faster when you are expecting!! With four more weeks to go to my EDD (although I personally think she may be due a little bit later), we have gone on semi-overdrive shopping and preparing for her arrival.

I think we are pretty much done shopping. What's left is probably less essential things like extra laundry baskets, extra bolster/pillow cases, etc. There would be a post coming up on my growing cloth diaper stash - people tell me not to be so ambitious, but I really can't wait to start using them. Practice makes perfect, and hey, you save lots of money along the way!

We still have a number of things to do: clean rooms, re-arrange nursery interior, 'Rainbow' vacuum mattress/pillows/etc, wash toys, register warranties, etc... but at least we have done laundering all her 0-3 months clothes, bed linen, towels, clothwipes and nappies so if she were to pop out unexpectedly, we should be ok.

I still have not properly packed my bag for the hospital - something I have been strangely procrastinating on. I suppose it helps that we live really close to the hospital, so I can still pack a bit when it's time or send my hubby back home if we forgot something. Not sure how much to pack for the little one - some lists have a whole load of clothings including five sets of mittens and booties (but won't she be swaddled most of the time?)!!!

We've chosen a name for her... a name that seems to agree with both the grandparents. Our initial choice was veto-ed for being too anglo and funky, I think. Well, most important is that the name has a good meaning and that we like it too. We have started calling her by that name, hopefully when she comes out she would recognise it as uniquely hers. ;)

We will call her Baby J here.

Baby J, before we know it, you will be in our arms and I hope I won't be too overwhelmed by finally having you right in front of my eyes. Mummy loves you so much already - I would do my best to take care of you, protect you and love you with all my heart. xoxo, Mummy

32 weeks and counting!

2011-05-28T18:57:00.003+08:00

Had a little scare earlier this week - starting have some non-stop Braxton-Hicks contractions from noon onwards. My belly was hard, crampy and it was rather uncomfortable. Never felt anything like it before.

I tried to ignore it mostly, but by evening I felt the contractions had not abate. It felt worse when I sat down, and I couldn't get comfortable - only sometimes when I walked around.

Luckily for us we have a mid-wife, AC, who stays with us, and she asked me to monitor the contractions - count the time one starts till it ends, and the time between the next one comes. It was a bit all over the place, and I never felt the contractions getting harder or more painful - which is a good thing.

Baby was kicking like crazy, all those contractions must have been making the space inside so tight for her!

Once I went to bed, I realised I felt much better lying down on my side. The contractions still came and end all the way till the next morning but then they stopped by noon. What a relieve... any longer and I would have called the doc.

AC told me to take it easy from now on, don't do anything too strenuous. Rest, lie down with my feet up. I know I should be less on my feet these days, especially with the backackes I get, but there's still so much to do, to buy and prepare for the little one.

Have done more shopping lately, and I think we are nearly done. Just a few more wares to buy from Ikea, some miscellaneous stuff, and I think we can make do with what we have - even if she surprises us and arrives soon!

I tell her, it's too soon... Stay in there for a while more sweetie.. there's plenty of time for you to enjoy the outside soon! xo, Mummy

30 weeks and counting!!

2011-05-19T19:02:00.003+08:00

Time sure flies when you are pregnant! I'm thoroughly enjoying my pregnancy, even with all the swollen ankles, backaches and stretch marks that are snaking all over my butt!!

Hehe, she is having hiccups as I am typing now. Everyday before lunch, and sometimes before dinner - she would have a little hiccup fit - maybe she's hungry, and starts to suck the air in the waterbag.

Can't explain it, but I love her so much already. She is so much a part of me, that I am starting to feel nervous that when she comes out... she won't be attached to me anymore - physically at least. And then, she won't be just mine to feel, love and care for - she would be her dad's, her grandparents' and her aunties' and uncles' little one. Right now, she's all mine, and I will treasure these last 8-10 weeks before I'm expected to pop.

Imagine 8-10 weeks and she would be in my arms. There were moments in time, when I wonder if I would ever have a baby of my own... It is easy to forget those times, but I remind myself so I would always be humble and grateful for what I have achieved with my hubby.

We are having some 'problems' with her name... our chosen one was pretty much veto-ed by his mum so we are thinking of something more traditional. And it's tough, both of us not having a Chinese school education. I hope we would have chosen a beautiful name by the time she arrives, I cannot, and will NOT, call her a generic 'Baby' for the first few weeks of her life!

We are seeing Dr P every two weeks now, and he measures her head, body, weight, etc. So far everything is good - as of today, she weighs 1.5kg. I hope she would be at least 3kg by the time I pop, that's suppose to be a pretty healthy birth weight.

Talking about popping, Dr P seems to be confident that I am en route to giving a natural birth - and if I can take the pain of kidney stones - labour pains are totally bearable! However, he would only give us 10 hours, any longer and it's off to the Caesarean Operation room. Ah we shall see, shall we? Excited, but not thinking too much about it. Not sure if my body is physically ready, or if I am mentally ready either... but women do extraordinary things at moments like these!

I should update this blog more, after all, in 10 weeks I may be too busy to even go online... Life is going to totally change at that point, and I pray we would all be fine. Till the next post!

A Nursery for Baby

2011-04-20T22:36:00.003+08:00

My mum-in-law popped a surprise for us today, we and baby will be given my hubby's sister's room (which is on the same floor as ours) to be made a nursery/playroom! It is quite a surprise as we were not expecting an extra room, and were planning to work within our own bedroom and the guest room downstairs.

At the same time, there are some mixed feelings... I can tell that my sis-in-law is not entirely happy about having to move downstairs to the guest room. She has not mentioned one word to me about having to move for us, nor has she been her usual chatty self with me lately. I feel bad, but it's so out of my control.

We have told them many times that we did not really need a nursery/playroom till later when our little one is older and there is another one on the way... In fact, besides the one month of confinement when I would be sleeping in the nursery with the confinement lady and baby, we would probably be using it only for play and daytime naps. The big room would be super under-used! But my mum-in-law seems adamant and went ahead to make all the plans and decisions for us herself.

I feel like redecorating the room but there is this sense of proprietorship - I mean, it's not my room to decorate now is it?? Perhaps later, when they have gotten use to the idea that the room is ours. I feel like some wallpaper or decal stickers to give the room some cute kid accents.

Perhaps after this, the odd brother-in-law would step up and get themselves a proper house with rooms and space for their kids to grow.

Enough negativity for now, must look at the positive side of things and be happy that baby now has a room of her own! With all the punching and kicking she is doing inside me, looks like some good space is what she needs. :)

Need to do more shopping!!

2011-04-11T01:14:00.003+08:00

Rather random post this time, but I really, really want to buy more:
- onesies
- body pyjamas
- towels
- receiving blankets/swaddle cloths (where to get??)
- bibs
- mittens + booties
- caps

Everyone says Oh you will get a lot of those in presents, etc etc... but hey, my little dumpling has to wear something when she's born - and not be butt-nekkid till the Full Moon party, aight??

For most part, I am worried that clothes I buy may be too small for her, or that she will outgrow it in a week or two. Is there a worry then, that clothes be too big for her? I suppose this is when I send my hubby off to Mothercare to get some quick shopping done, and pray he does not come back with some dress meant for a 3 year old!

Besides a bout of heartburn and the sleepless nights, my 6th month is going on rather smoothly... her legs (? or some limbs) are closer to the top where my stomach is. I lay my Ipad on that part sometimes when I read, and it's quite funny to see it get bumped around by her kicks.

She is rather active, and I tell her she would either by a dancer like her mummy... a tennis player like her daddy... or both!

Baby Shopping Update

2011-04-04T18:38:00.003+08:00

Closing in on my sixth month of pregnancy and enjoying every moment of it - the swollen ankles, sleepless nights, acid refluxes and itchy belly - and I am truly enjoying it, not a complaint at all. My belly is slowly growing bigger, and am waiting for my belly button to POP!

Am glad to update that we have done most of the major shopping for baby, slightly ahead of time but it's the best time to catch the best deal at sales and fairs. Here's what we've gotten so far:

1) Baby cot bed + Mattress + Bed linen
2) Stroller
3) One travel cot/playpen (a gift from my parents)
4) Baby car seat (to be a gift from friends)
5) Moses basket
6) Baby carrier (ordered from Amazon by friend)
7) Breastpump
8) Bottle steriliser and the works
9) Bathtub

... as well as some essentials like bottles, clothes, towels, swaddles, bibs, Munchkin wares, etc. Pretty pleased with our stash right now, but sometimes I get really nervous - what if I've forgotten something really important?? Or did I get enough towels or clothes?? Even so, I think we are doing ok. I hope.

More updates soon!

22 weeks and counting

2011-03-24T17:49:00.003+08:00

She moves a whole lot more these days. My evenings and nights are spent being jolted or shaken around by her kicks and rolling around. She's cartwheeling around as I type this!!

There's no doubt about it, there's a little baby in there!

And for the first time, hubby got to feel her give some good kicks and also move around. One moment one side of my belly was hard like she was pressing her body against me, and the next moment she moves away. Hubby thinks that we may have pissed her off with all that touching and stroking! Like she may be thinking, "who is that touching me!?'... ;)

It was a productive week shopping for baby stuff at the Baby Fairs. Got some essentials, and narrowed down to quite a number of things to buy soon. We are grateful too that some friends would be buying us a baby carseat as a gift, so we get to save some serious cash there!!

I'm trying to save as much money as I can by buying baby products which are under good deals, and try to minimise spending on non-essentials. But one big part of me wants to get good quality stuff for our baby, and with quality comes a higher price. At least quality stuff would last us longer, and hopefully would be re-used with the next baby.

I'm already controlling myself from buying all those soft-soft, cute-cute, pretty-pretty baby items (for now, at least), but gosh some things are just so hard to resist. Resist!!!

Rolling, rolling... it's a wonderful feeling. I really should start talking to her more and see if she reacts to me. ;)

Oh what to buy??

2011-03-02T18:45:00.002+08:00

Approximately onto my 19th week of pregnancy, and everything is going well. Looking forward to the next scan in a week's time! Hopefully then we get to confirm for sure we are going to have a baby girl - lately been hearing too many stories of "It's a gir-- eh hang on, it's a BOY!!" - what a surprise it would be if it really happened to us!

Been doing loads of research on things to buy, and getting into quite a fix trying to decide which product is best. Reading reviews are getting me confused also, as everything is so subjective - you get reviewers saying "Best thing ever!" to "I absolutely HATE it!!"... and mind you, they are talking about the same item.

1) Stroller - brand? lightweight? from birth? to spend or not to spend?
2) Bed - to spend or not to spend? wood or white colour?
3) Carseat - pretty much decided on the Britax brand
4) When to start buying everything? We decided to wait till the next scan, then we can start scouring the Baby Fairs we are heading to this month

I turn 29 years young tomorrow, and I'm happy to have my last birthday wish come true! A year ago, I was in such a state... but how the last few months have made me happy enough to last a lifetime.

She moves a bit more at night, not sure if it has anything to do with the classical music my hubby downloads and plays to her.

We are in a good place right now, sometimes it's so surreal and I dream that it was only a dream. But I wake up, and it's all real, and all good... *hug myself

Till the next post - ta!

17 weeks and counting

2011-02-18T17:10:00.002+08:00

I felt her move a little the other day. And I feel her move a bit everyday, not very obvious yet - I only hope I didn't confuse her with gas!

Chinese New Year came and went, and by now most of our relatives and close friends know and have said hello to my growing belly. Some people react like they would to any happy news, some don't know what to say and just stone their way through the conversation.. and some really don't seem to care - sometimes, oddly enough, those people are the ones closest to us.

My hormones are a little late in affecting me emotionally, my first trimester was fairly peaceful but the second trimester has left me rather teary-eyed nearly everyday this past week. As I tell my hubby, I can't help it. I cry, I wail, I whine, I go to sleep depressed. But I know I should keep a positive frame of mind for the little peanut (who is the size of my palm by now).

Some days, I am so absolutely happy, I feel almost shy to grin like a crazy cheshire cat all day long. I think I am happiest when my hubby is at home with me, and he takes a few seconds everyday to talk to her through my belly, which is sporting a clear linea nigra now.

I've drawn up a Checklist of things to do and buy in anticipation of the little one, whao it's a list indeed. We have also started looking around for baby gear (strollers, cots, car seats, etc), comparing prices and hopefully catch some good deals when we go to a few Baby Fairs in Singapore. Been doing research online too on what would be best to buy, really depends what our budget is - and knowing our fairly expensive taste in things, we would be spending a bit - at least they can be recycled for the next kiddo!

Besides shopping for baby stuff, there are many other things I want to do before she arrives:

1) Clear up the bedroom - relocate the lazy chair, add extension cords, organise my shoes
2) Decorate the bedroom wall with Decal stickers, maybe?
3) Add mosquito netting on the bedroom and bathroom windows
4) Reorganise my drawers and wardrobe to make space for baby clothes and items
5) Clear the living room - start filing everything, throw away boxes, box magazines away
6) Find and clear a drawer in the kitchen, and make it our personal drawer of baby stuff
7) Clear the bathroom, to make space for baby's bathtub

And this is merely scratching the surface. Many things to do, I just have to find the mood to get down and dirty and sneezy to clear everything once and for all!

Baby, take your time growing inside Mummy, we have loads to prepare before you arrive!!! <3

And the sex of the baby is.............

2011-02-08T15:56:00.002+08:00

A GIRL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

We are going to have a Baby Girl!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Our very first child is going to be a Girl!! :D :D :D

Can't believe it, we already know this delightful bit of news. On to my 16th week now, and the scan today show the baby at about 4 inches, and we could see her round head, spine, fingers and thighs really clearly. She was moving around quite a bit too. Dr PC said everything looks great, oh what a relieve! He was also 99% sure the baby was going to be a girl! And she was certainly a demure little one.

There was a little worry earlier this month, Dr PC sent us an e-mails to update us that the Down Syndrome test came back negative and there was a minute 1:12000 chance, so that was really good news. But then he ended the e-mail by saying that the blood work came back ok but suggests that I was an Alpha Thalassemia Carrier, which made me super worried. Turns out that he made a mistake, and it was not the case! Phew!!

It's Chinese New Year right now, and most friends and relatives already know the good news of a baby on the way. I've gained some weight, which is good and also expected during this period, and the best thing about this phase of pregnancy is that the nausea is pretty much gone! My appetite is back with a vengeance, and boy what an appetite this baby girl is giving me!!!

Dr PC said that this was the best time of the pregnancy, so honeymoon and holiday all we want!! Once the baby is here, we can pretty much shelf our monthly travel plans for a few months to a year at least.

I'm enjoying this pregnancy so far, baby has been utterly kind to me and I can't wait for the next few months to see her grow inside me and eventually have her in my arms. I already love her, I do.

The next scan is in a month's time and Dr PC said it would be a thorough one. Till then, I shall just continue enjoying the contented feeling of having a little baby girl nest inside me!

10 weeks plus and counting....

2011-01-04T15:54:00.002+08:00

The year 2011 started with a tiny scare, some bright red bleeding which set all of at the edge of our seats. Dr PC was kind enough to open the clinic for an ultrascan to see if our little baby bean was doing ok. The bean was doing fine, and even managed to wave his/her arms and legs at us!!

The most amazing thing.

Tomorrow and next week we will get another look at the little bean. It is so wondrous to see something so small, grow rather rapidly into someone we can call our own little one.

Many friends have guessed, since I have begun to show quite early, not to mention my very obviously bloated face, neck, torso and ankles!

Dr PC would be doing the First Trimester Screening in a couple of weeks, and my hubby and I are rather anxious about that. Hopefully everything comes out good and clear.

This first trimester, so far, has been rather dramatic to say the least... being diagnosed with a kidney stone and also injuring my tail bone was hardly in my expectations as one of the trials andd tribulations of being pregnant!!!

That aside, I wake up each day so very happy and pleased to feel my breasts sore, the slight nausea (at first), and knowing that everything seems to be doing ok inside me. Thank you god, for answering our prayers.

Wake up queasy.. go to sleep queasy...

2010-12-06T18:50:00.002+08:00

The nausea is just in the first week, and gosh I have at least six-seven weeks more to go if I'm lucky... it could be longer!

Trying to think of all sorts of ways to quell the nausea... sour plums, munching on biscuits, small meals... not working.

Other ways moving forward: BinBin or Want Want Japanese Rice Crackers... Nanonano sweets... ginger tea.

This is a good thing, remind yourself, this is a good thing... a good thing for the baby growing inside me. At least I am not vomitting... yet.

This is a good thing!

A feeling of surrealness

2010-12-02T15:28:00.002+08:00

I am in my 6th week now, and I think the first pangs of morning sickness is beginning to creep up on me. So hungry but nauseous at the same time. What a mish-mash of feelings in my tummy, I wanna eat but nothing really fills me up to do away with the nausea. But remember, morning sickness is a good sign, so I really should be 'enjoying' this queasyfeeling of wanting to puke!!

Our first appointment with Dr P, as well as the first scan, will be in a week's time - 10 December. Hopefully everything is looking good then, at this point all I am praying for is for the little baby bean to continue growing and growing strong inside me.

Some obvious physical changes so far:
1) Crazy hunger, I am eating much more than usual and when I see food I almost feel faint if I don't eat like, NOW!
2) Breasts are tender, and my bras are beginning to cut into my skin
3) Peeing much more, especially at night
4) Very bloated, can't wear some of my pants anymore because they press against my abdomen too tightly now
5) Nausea, recently

It's only been two weeks of knowing but many things have started to change in my life. I feel more homesick, wanting to stay at my own parents' place much more for the care, love and to also help with the loneliness when my hubby goes away for work. Being back at the in-laws is rather like being in a political house, too much negative vibes from a seemingly jealous sis-in-law and indifference from a stressed out mother-in-law. Could be too that the hormones have made me for teary than I usually am.

Hubby still seems a bit shell-shocked, and I imagine he would still be shell-shocked after the first scan! He bought me a 'What to Expect' book and a babyname book, and I found that really sweet. If only I can get him to read the chapter for daddies!!

I'm just contented to be where I am right now, I try to talk to the little baby bean everynight... must think happy, contented thoughts... try to sieve out the negativity, don't let it get to me.. coz if I do get depressed because "there would be no support" (in evil sis-in-law's words), it would only mean that she bugged me successfully.

Things will turn out, as it always does. It is surreal to think that finally, it's our turn... oh little baby bean, grow strong and snugly inside mummy... I love you so already.

I cannot believe it yet...

2010-11-20T09:26:00.003+08:00

I JUST GOT MY FIRST (AND SECOND) BIG FAT POSITIVE ON A PREGNANCY TEST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am so happy, I am almost a loss for words..

I started crying the moment the second red line appeared together with the control line. This if the very first BFP for us!!!!!!!!!!!

Told my mum and dad then my sis, who were all ecstatic. Second time lucky with the IVF procedures...

Now I am so nervous... will wait till Monday to call the clinic, and then hopefully the bloodtest would show some great results!

I am sooooo happy, I cannot believe it yet.... please stick little baby!!!!!!

Moving along!

2010-10-26T13:34:00.003+08:00

Well. I've set my appointment with Dr P on the 13th day of my cycle.. hopefully we would get to try again next week. I suppose that's the good thing about having a natural cycle FET, we get to try again the following cycle.

I don't want to think too much about the following cycle... yet. Just want to take a break and relax this week, and it's easy not to think about this when I'm overseas for work again.

Not much updates till next week, just gotta stay healthy which is beginning to be tough with my sneezing fit a few minutes ago. I sneezed so many damn times, I am starting to cough and have a sore throat like I have a full-blown flu!

Till the next post. Ta!

Another try next month

2010-10-20T22:29:00.002+08:00

Well, our first attempt at the embryo transfer didn't work.. my period started today.

I've had a cry over one night, and now I am trying to look forward, to try again in two weeks time. This time at least my hubby would be there to witness Dr P injecting the two little embbies into me... hopefully that attempt would work, hopefully luck would be on our side.

I'm ok, but I think my parents are as disappointed as I am, as expected. Timing would have it that I had to break the news to them on my mum's birthday today too. But they are supporting me, telling not to be too disappointed, stay positive for the next transfer. I feel like tearing everytime they try to be caring and supportive, so I try not to talk about it too much.

I am thinking, what would I do differently next month? Here are some initial thoughts:

1) Start drinking milk again
2) Start eating cheese
3) Sleep earlier everynight
4) Perhaps an extra day or two of bedrest?
5) Try as hard as possible to stay still (not pee) for at least 10 minutes after the transfer
6) Continue with my daily eggs, fruits and chicken essence soup diet

Look forward, do not dwell too long... it would work one day, stay positive! We would be blessed one day!

11DPO only..

2010-10-18T21:16:00.003+08:00

It's only 11th day past ovulation, and I've started spotting very lightly today.. brownish.

I read that it could be implantation spotting, but with my luck I'm guessing my period is just coming earlier than expected.

Bummer. I don't think I would waste a HPT by testing tomorrow. I was only planning to test on Wednesday, but doesn't seem like I have to anymore.

Looks like we gotta try again next month..

6th day past-FET

2010-10-17T23:51:00.002+08:00

Slowly, slowly the days past... I look forward to falling asleep at night (although the last two nights I've been plagued with stubborn insomnia), and waking up in the morning to update my charts - another day counted into the TWW.

I try not to look out for them, but its hard not to notice some little twinges to the body and not want to jump up and wonder - hey, is that a symptom??? Tough, indeed.

So far, my breasts are tender (but that's nothing out of the ordinary), and I get some tiny aches and twinges on the ovary area and side of my abdomen two inches below my belly button. It really could be nothing, so I really, really try to ignore them. I don't even want to note them down! And sometimes at night, I get this funny feeling of excitement and restlessness in my abdomen, which keeps me up... again, could be just my nerves.

I was hoping for some super sign which I really CANNOT ignore, but neh, nothing I can't discount as mere imagination or gas.

I suppose in a few days time I would know for sure whether I was being obsessive crazy sensitive about any little twinge in my body... or I could be right in having these funny feelings in my body.

When I'm up in the middle of the night, I pray to God.. and I imagine all my late relatives - my kong-kong, poh-poh, yeh-yeh, ngen-ngen, first ngen-ngen, koo-cheong and tai koo-cheong all being tiny angels around my uterus, cheering the little embbies on. And they join hands to strengthen my lining, which turns a strong gold perimeter in my imagination. It's good to have hope and imagine that my dear late relatives are with me in this part of my journey..

A few more days to go.. stay positive! fx fX FX!

3rd day past-FET

2010-10-14T18:11:00.003+08:00

The TWW does move along rather slowly as expected... but being in the company of my parents, in my old home does provide much comfort.

Don't feel anything yet, and don't want to start obsessing over the tiniest twinge or cramp. I just put it to gas!

I know I really shouldn't, but the brief reading I did online about symptoms post-transfer seems to say that the symptoms don't really kick in (if they do at all) till the 10th day past-FET. And that day is technically 14 DPO, which is when I plan to test with a HPT (if not a day earlier).

That means I've got another week of pretending not to look out for any changes in my body! Gosh.

Sometimes over the day when I feel practically nothing and the same as any ordinary day, I begin to wonder if the embbies are even inside me anymore. It frightens me, but I remind myself to keep positive and imagine my God holding them gently, or imagining them snuggling into their bed of my lining. And pray.

And pray, and pray, and pray again.

A vivid dream

2010-10-13T12:45:00.002+08:00

I had a rather funny dream (aren't they all?) last nite. A dream I can't stop thinking about because I don't know what to feel about it.

I dreamt that I decided to pee on a stick a few days after my embryo transfer - and the 'stick' I decided to pee on was my BBT thermometer. And it was odd too because the thermometer had two windows - one for the control line, and one for the test line - just like any HPT stick!

Anyway, I pee'd onto it and the test line came out red and strong, even before the control line!! That looks like a pretty strong positive, I thought it my dream.

So I ran out of the bathroom and told my mum who was ecstatic! I also showed the stick to my parents and I was sooo happy. Then my dad paused and put everything into prespective for me - isn't that a BBT thermometer? Doesn't that just measure your temperature?

My heart sank, my thoughts were oh yeahhh.... that's true...

And it was then that I noticed that my temperature was also taken and it was a high number (which is also expected if one's pregnant) - so I explained to my dad that this also confirms the pregnancy! My temp is so high! - but I'm not sure if I actually believed that or I'm just trying make myself believe that I was indeed pregnant... even after the dubious result from peeing on a BBT thermometer!

Oh goodness. I woke up - should I feel happy that I dreamt that I was pregnant... or look at how I was honestly feeling, that I had fooled myself to believe that a BBT thermometer could have proven a pregnancy? Mixed feelings.

Makes me nervous about the day I decide to pee on a stick. Would I interpret it wrongly? Then only have someone - a nurse or Dr P, tell me that urmm I think you read it wrong?

Well, they say that dreams are your biggest fears - so all I have to do now is accept whatever result I see on the HPT with an open mind, open heart and decent expectations. Don't give up, don't let yourself down... it's a 50/50 chance after all, and whichever way it heads, there is something great to look forward to.

The 2WW begins!!

2010-10-12T18:11:00.004+08:00

Our first embryo transfer took place yesterday, and besides the uncomfortable feeling of a VERY full bladder, everything went by smoothly.

When we arrived, I changed into a hospital gown with my hair in a shower cap, and wore some clean crocs into the procedure room. Lying down on a table with leg stirrups, the lab nurses squirted some cold blue stuff on my tummy and checked my bladder on the ultrasound, they were pleased to see that it was pretty full. It was so tough holding it in, especially they were pressing against my bladder!

My mum, who got to be in there with me, got to change into sterile scrubs and be in the room with me. It was comforting to hear her talk about positive thinking and the prayers they have been saying for me.

Finally Dr P came in and I was set up like I would during a pap-smear. He inserted a catheter into me and I could just about see the tube on the ultrasound screen. He also confirmed that our two embbies survived the thaw! Then we waited for the embryologist, who called out "IN COMING!" when she was coming in with a long soft syringe holding our two embbies.

Dr P slowly inserted the syringe into the catheter and we could see a tiny tube entering my uterine cavity and against the wall, he slowly released the two embbies - I could barely make out the tiny dots that appeared on the screen.

Then the embryologist went back to the lab to check if the embbies got stuck along the syringe, when she found none, she called out "ALL CLEAR!", and Dr P removed everything from me. All done.

I was suppose to lie there for 10 minutes, and then go pee - the lab nurses confirmed that nothing would come out! That was a relieve. Anyway, halfway through 10 minutes I had to pee so bad so they help me up to the toilet. I had to move very slowly and gingerly.

Then I was brought to the Recovery Room where there were some comfy recliner chairs and sofas where my parents waited with me. I rested for an hour before the lab nurse allowed us to leave. My dad drove so slowly and carefully all the way home, and I was grateful for that.

Been on bed-rest most part of yesterday and today, hope that helps the embbies in finding their way around my uterus and hopefully, find a spot to stick and burrow in. My parents are pampering me with lots of food, fruits and attention, I feel so contented - I'm super glad I came home to rest, I wouldn't have gotten half the care back in my other home.

And now we wait... I'm suppose to pee on a stick 10 days from yesterday, if it's a positive I go back for a blood test. If negative, we try again the next cycle.

Right now I have no idea what's going on inside, but I keep praying and imagining my God guiding the embbies towards the wall and slowly tucking them in, letting them snuggle in.

Positive thinking, keep that going girl... Now I want to go back to lying on my pile of pillows and read, hoping the best for my little embbies.... fX fX FX!!!

Embryo transfer date is scheduled!

2010-10-08T21:09:00.002+08:00

Our first attempt at an embryo transfer has been scheduled for 1pm, Monday 11 October 2010.

Whao!!

I'm so nervous thinking about it, my belly is doing some major flip-flops and my appetite is hardly there. I don't want to think too much about it, Monday will roll by and the one thing that we were waiting patiently for, will finally happen - the first embryo transfer will take place. EEEeeee!!!!

I will be moving over to my parents' place the day before the transfer, settle down and get ready for the bed-rest I would be in for the few days after that. I want to be extra cautious, and keep still to give our little embryos the best chance of implanting.

Reading online, hearing stories from other IVF parents, they all seem to advise that one should keep movements to a minimum and stay in bed for at least a few days. I will do what it takes, and I really shouldn't complain.

My hubby won't be there for the transfer, but I know he would be thinking of the embryos, the procedure and me while he's travelling in Europe. At least he would be around to find out if this attempt worked. :)

Well, more emotional posts the next two weeks, after all - I have to vent somewhere during the TWW!!! More updates too after Monday's procedure. fX!!!

Whao!

2010-10-06T21:30:00.003+08:00

I don't want to be too sure just yet, but looks like we ARE going ahead with the first embryo transfer attempt this month after all!

I honestly... was not expecting this.

I was expecting Dr P to go "hmm haaa hummm hooo hmmmm.. No, not this month..."... but he only went "hmmm your uterus looks clear.. everything looks good... ok go pee into a cup now to check whether you've ovulated!"

Whao!

Well as the OPK i pee-d on today still show a positive, Dr P was not sure at what point was my LH surge; so I had to go for a bloodtest which confirmed that I had not ovulated just yet. I'm guessing I will be ovulating sometime today or early tomorrow. Gotta pee on another OPK tomorrow morning and call the clinic again.

I honestly... was not expecting this.

Doing a rough count, looks like the transfer could be sometime this weekend - either my hubby would be there for me, or not. I do hope he could be there with me when they do the transfer... And looks like my plans for next week to help out on some family business stuff would have to be shelved as I am suppose to live and lead a gentle existence... bed rest, no stress, no running around, no negative thoughts.

While I've said it a few times on this post already, I will say it again... I honestly was not expecting this.. but I ain't confirming that it will be happening for sure, till it's actually happening for sure!!

I am suddenly feeling mighty nervous. Eek!!

More updates after the OPK test tomorrow and call to the clinic. fX!

Maybe? Probably not

2010-10-05T14:27:00.002+08:00

I would have been pretty down the past few days if not for the support and encouragement of my hubby. He keeps reminding me that Dr P is only being cautious, so we don't waste any good embryos.

I've stopped spotting since Sunday, but I don't know if my lining is thick enough for a transfer attempt this month. Anyway, we will be going to see Dr P tomorrow to see for sure - I just get so frustrated whenever he says no, yet again. Gotta brace myself...!

It's interesting to note that I ovulated a few days later than usual this month (I almost thought that I won't be ovulating this month!) - maybe it's God's way of giving us a chance? Had I ovulated earlier, my lining may not be remotely ready... but given a few days extra, perhaps I would be ready? Oh I dunno, I daren't hope too much for fear of being supremely disappointed.

Well, my lining has always been on the thicker side, perhaps I may get a shot at it....? More updates tomorrow, but don't get your hopes up too high!

OMFG NOT AGAIN

2010-09-30T19:13:00.003+08:00

I swear I want to jump out of the window now. Dr P has again suggested that postpone the embryo transfer because I am still spotting.

Sigh.

I am getting so tired of waiting.

Imagine if we waited one more month and then he finds polyps growing again in the following ultrasound - I WILL NOT GO FOR ANOTHER OPERATION GODDAMNIT!!!!!!!!!

Luck and timing is so not on my side this year. I think I really should start praying and thinking so hard, that the universe moves itself to fulfil my wishes... for the fear of being too disappointed, I have tried not to think too much into things - maybe it's time I start.

DAMNIT!

Time moves slowly when...

2010-09-29T17:01:00.002+08:00

Tomorrow would be my 12th day. We will be going to see Dr P, and oh I hope he says "All systems go!" instead of the usual "I am still not completely comfortable with your lining, blah blah..", which we have been hearing the last few months.

If there's something else in the way this month, I think it would take all of my willpower, heart and soul to not jump out of the window of the clinic, in sheer frustration. But to be honest, I don't feel so completely frustrated on a daily basis - only when I sit down and think about it. We could have attempted at least 3 months ago!

But let's not get side-tracked... look forward, move ahead.

Hopefully the OPKs turn positive sometime over the weekend while we are away on a short business trip, then I can schedule my very first embryo transfer early next week.

Since I am hoping, if all goes well, I would be pretty much on bed-rest or less active next week, I am in a bit of a tizzy trying to organise my hubby's trip to Europe the following weekend. I want to be able to stay at home, and not have to worry about packing this that, buying stuff and worrying about him (tough, but gotta try). Then I also want to clear up our rooms and organise the filing... makes me wonder, why do I wait till it's not a good time for me to do these things? Am I really, really ready??

I am quite disappointed that my hubby would be away for 2/3rds of my TWW - who is going to keep me company and hold my hands when the time comes for me to find out if the IVF attempt worked? I will be alone, either extremely happy or utterly disappointed.

I told him that I wasn't going to tell him whether it is a positive or negative, not till he comes home. But I dunno, I guess it really depends what the answer is - either way I may be crying my eyes out... I only hope that the tears I cry would be of sheer joy.

It is exciting, the anticipation is half-killing me, but I must remember to keep my expectations and emotions in check.

FX!

Imaginary Due Date, part VIIII

2010-09-26T16:45:00.004+08:00

Edited: I only just realised (after some weeks) that I read wrongly, I earlier posted that our imaginary baby would be a Leo, but in fact, he/she could be a Cancer instead.

I dunno whatelse that can possible happen to stop us with our first attempt at IVF. And if the stars are all aligned and we get to try... perhaps perhaps perhaps we would have a baby by.... 27 June 2011!!!

And starting from this month, I want to add another fun aspect to my 'Imaginary Due Date' posts, I would also mention the star sign the baby would have!

If our baby was born on 27 June 2011, our baby will be a CANCER!

These fun bits to my conception journey does block away the melancholic bits of waiting, anticipating, disappointing and the operations; the stressful parts of my journey. It feels like forever, but hopefully we can will our lives to change really soon.

Patience...

2010-09-23T13:44:00.002+08:00

Everything seems going as planned, my period came on time, I feel good, patient and my spirits are high... my appointment on the 12th day with Dr P has been booked, and I hope this time we get to attempt an embryo transfer.

To be honest, I like it that I am travelling so much these few months, it does keep my mind off the waiting game. Before I know it, one whole week has flown by, so the important dates just loom faster and sooner than I expect.

Got to keep my body healthy, my mind positive and my hopes in check. More updates after the 12th day appointment!

First feelings of a proud mum

2010-09-14T00:01:00.002+08:00

The other day when Dr P said that we had BEAUTIFUL EMBRYOS... I felt so proud.

I know it's weird, I mean, technically, they aren't babies or children yet... but they are still products of me and my hubby! And they are already beautiful...

Now I know how parents feel whenever they look at their own children... and beam at how perfect they are.

I just started early. :)

On to the next step!

2010-09-10T01:23:00.002+08:00

Had the Hysteroscopy op done today, and Dr N asked if I would ever get use to this while wheeling me into the operation theatre. Oh I sure hope I won't... the next time I am in an operation theatre, I want to be giving birth!

Hopefully my cycle isn't too wonky, and I would get my period on time, and then off we go for our first embryo transfer attempt.

Right now I am just nursing a crampy uterus, and maybe with some rest and sleep, I will be feeling better tomorrow.

Good things come to those who wait, rite?

2010-09-07T16:43:00.002+08:00

Come Thursday this week, I would be undergoing another small op to remove the polyps on my uterine wall. Dr N wasn't initally keen to do the op, asking me to give this month a shot naturally - but with my hubby away this few days, there is no point to it.

Dr P confirmed that after this op, we would be able to do the embryo transfer next month for sure! Oh I am so looking forward to that!

If my cycle doesn't go too awry, my hubby would be around for the transfer next month but he probably won't be back in time to find out with me if the attempt comes out positive. One part of me is excited that I get to find it out myself first, but there's really nothing like finding it out together hey?

I've reached this point where I feel like I am just drifting with the tide, doing whatever the doctors say... I hope to look back one day and be glad that I did all I had to do for this baby.

No go... again

2010-09-04T01:34:00.002+08:00

Sigh. Just my luck, as I say.

Dr P said there looks to be a lot of polyps in my uterine lining, yet again... so looks like I will be going for yet another op to remove them. Back to Dr N, I think.

So no transfer this month... again.

Anyway, Dr P has given me some OPKs to pee on every morning and come Monday, whether it is + or not, I will be back to see him for another ultrasound probe to see how my lining is. Chances are, we think, is that he recommends we get the many tiny polyps taken out. He also said that our conception chances are slashed by half, if the polyps are not removed. That leaves us with... no other choice, huh?

Moving forward!!

Let's see what happens..

2010-09-03T02:52:00.002+08:00

Finally, my period came and left, and right now at 2.52am, it is my anticipated 12th day. We go see Dr P tomorrow... and hopefully I get to start peeing on them OPKs, ovulate and then get to have my little embryos returned back to where it belongs.

I never know what to expect these days, so I'm going to Dr P's clinic with a mighty open mind.

More updates tomorrow!

Waiting game..

2010-08-03T16:00:00.003+08:00

Went to Dr P yesterday, and while my last "period" may or may not have been my period for sure, I will just have to wait till my next proper period and start counting 12 days from then.

On the 12th cycle day, Dr P would check my uterine lining, to see if it's ok and if so, the clinic would give me a Ovulation Predictor Kit (OPK) to pinpoint my ovulation date for sure. A few days after that... the first embryo transfer would then take place. Dr P was rather confident that it could happen the following cycle, and I do hope so too.

For the first time in years, I am wishing for my period to hurry up rear its head!! How ironic. And for the first time in many years, I really don't know when to expect my period. I'm predicting that it would come in a little over three weeks' time, we shall see.

Off we go for our holiday break! Everything has been booked, so we are going, no matter how busy we are. I think we need a short getaway to recharge our mind, body and soul.

Imaginary Due Date, part VIII

2010-07-26T16:20:00.002+08:00

Hohoho, this monthly post is due much faster than expected because of my unexpected fast-forwarded cycle.

The due date if I were so lucky to have my little embryos successfully transferred, implanted and growing inside me this month is....... 29 April 2010!!

Not sure what to expect on the 12th day appointment with Dr P, but I must remember to keep my expectations in check... if not this month, you know it's only because next month would be better for you.

Remember that.

Whao fast forwarded!

2010-07-26T16:04:00.003+08:00

Well whaddayaknow, Dr P's clinic has adviced that yes, it is ok to have my period start so soon, so my 12th day is indeed exactly a week's time from today. My my, how my last cycle has flown past me!!

Looks like our planned holiday has to be postponed until further notice. Unless of course, Dr P decides that we wait out one more month for my cycle to regularise itself. Then faster, faster, off we go to a much anticipated beach holiday!!!

Given a choice, I would definitely want to attempt the first transfer of two embryos this month, as long as my uterus is ready for that. Am considering taking dong quai to improve the health of my uterus generally, but not sure if I should meddle with my insides on such an important month.

Eee!! What can I say, I'm just hoping for the best best best!!

Period so soon???

2010-07-24T21:14:00.002+08:00

I am in a fix right now. Five days post-D&C, I started bleeding a medium flow for two whole days... so do I count that as my period?? So soon, already??? Was not expecting it till at least another 5 days time!!

There's nothing I can read on the Internet either, coz D&C is always related to a miscarriage, so the what-to-expects are really different.

Plan to give Dr P's nurse a call on Monday, just to check if this is normal? Something to be worried about?

If that was indeed my period, then wow, my 12th cycle day to monitor if my uterine lining is ready for the embryo transfer would be super-pushed-forward till almost two weeks ahead. Would my hormones and uterine lining be ready at all?

Looks like nothing is happening till my usual cycle regularises itself... a 16-day cycle just doesn't seem right!

My little embryos!!

2010-07-20T21:13:00.002+08:00

I feel emotional, but I think I am taking it very well without getting too excited. Also my husband had 'one of those days' when everything seems to go awry, so it affected me too.

Dr P informed us that we have eight good little embryos, all ready for transfer. They will be frozen today. Then depending if my uterine lining is ready next month (or the next), Dr P will be placing back two little thawed embryos.. and then we wait, hope and pray.

I am really hoping we have twins. :) But even with one baby, is already so huge a blessing I could ever expect!

Depending when my period starts this cycle, I would be going back to Dr P on the 12th day of my next cycle to see if I'm ready. Or if I need another probe to clear things up inside - which I hope I won't! But with my luck, oh well, gonna take it as it comes.

I didn't think about it till my mum-in-law reminded me, but I should be getting my body ready for potential pregnancy in the months to come. I should be eating better, living better and keep healthy. I better drink milk on a more regular basis. Whatelse should I do?

My mum-in-law is very excited, and it is rather contagious. I am trying to keep things close to my heart, and not expect too much or be utterly disappointed. But oh how I hope!

What a day!

2010-07-17T23:02:00.002+08:00

The egg retrieval was today and goodness gracious me, what a day it has been.

Firstly, they took out 20 eggs out from me, which is pretty high for anyone one person. I was rather amazed. They are going to fertilise as many good eggs as possible, and freeze them. And during the D&C, Dr P took out one grape-size polyp. Not feeling much abdominable pain or cramping.

Dr P said that we have to wait till my cycle regularises itself before they will attempt the first egg transfer. The transfer would be done after three days after I ovulate. I am guessing it may not be next month, but the month after. Oh well, whatever the Dr P think is best.

Well, the second most notable part of today is my damn allergy to painkiller Voltaren. My right eye started swelling first, so swollen till I could hard open it. Then my left eye started to swell too. Now both eyes look like pingpong balls with tiny slits as my eye openings. Feeling very sorry for myself, but only way is to look forward and wait for the Voltaren to get outta my system. All the steroids and anti-allergens aren't working fast enough yet, but I hope to sleep it off.

I am guessing I won't be making it to a swanky dinner tomorrow night either.

All this aside, we are looking forward to our first beach holiday of the year. The hotel options are are looking at are really quite luxurious, with private dip pools, huge beds and gorgeous views. My husband is really excited. I think we all deserve a break, especially after my grueling IVF treatments.

Well, more rest for me. More updates tomorrow.

Next month instead..

2010-07-15T15:38:00.004+08:00

A little bit disappointed after today's appointment with Dr P; he said my uterine lining was much too thick for his liking, so we wouldn't be doing the embryo transfered as scheduled after all. Instead, he would be doing a hysteroscopy and a Dilation & Curretage (better known as a D&C) after the egg retrieval, to remove the polyps, or whatever that is making my lining as thick as it is, as well as thin the uterine lining.

The egg retrieval would still happen this Saturday, but once fertilised, the embryos would be frozen to be transfered into me, hopefully, next month. Depending on how thick my lining is, it could be next month or the month after, Dr P wouldn't commit. More waiting again. The good bit is that I don't have to jab myself anymore!

I guess, as my hubby says, at least Dr P was being honest and not rushing into an IVF cycle if he wasn't completely confident about it. He said my pregnancy chances were well above 60%, and to have the polyps hanging around may half my chances.

On Saturday, the egg retrieval procedure has already been green-lighted! Must remember to:

- take the Suprefact jab tonight at 9.00pm to time and induce ovulation
- take the antibiotics from tomorrow onwards
- fast from midnight on Friday
- remove all nail polish, make-up, etc
- go to the hospital by 8.00am for the 9.00am procedure
- hope hubby delivers the sperm to the lab safe and sound
- keep myself hydrated a few days before the procedure
- pray pray pray
- cross all fingers, toes and limbs

My hubby is a bit relieve that the embryo transfer is taking place next month (or the month after) instead, as he wants to give both of us a short relaxing beach holiday before what is hopefully to come in the near future, when we can't travel so much anymore.

I guess I can do that, get my mind, body and soul in a calm, relaxed state before the most important part of the entire IVF procedure.

On a roll!

2010-07-14T22:38:00.002+08:00

Went to Dr P again today and the ultrasound showed more than 10-15 eggs on each side. Much too many than needed, so he lowered my dosage. Tomorrow we are seeing him again before they give me the injection to induce ovulation, timed in such a way perfect for the harvesting on Saturday morning.

Happening way faster than I expected. I am still not entirely mentally prepared for what's to come - the harvest, the transfer, the bedrest, the wait... at least that means I am not stressed out by it!!

One tiny problem was that he found a polyp on my uterine wall, which may or may not be a slight issue. While all polyps were removed during the laparoscopy, this one may have grown over the six months and with the high dosage of estrogen I have been jabbing myself with.

Got to stay positive, think good and happy things, pray hard and hope for the very, very best.

Imaginary Due Date, part VII

2010-07-12T22:34:00.004+08:00

I almost forgot to do this!!

While this is an IVF cycle, it is still totally valid to make a guess-timation of the imaginary expected due date if I conceive this month.. and the date would be..... 10 April 2011!!!!!!!!

It is a day before a close relative's birthday, but most notable is that our baby would share his/her birthday with one of my best buddies. A good date indeed.

Well, we shall see, wouldn't we...

IVF treatment continues..

2010-07-12T18:45:00.004+08:00

After four days of injections, we went back to Dr P for an ultrasound to see how the ovaries are doing. And they are doing great!

My left ovary is doing all the work, as usual. Most follicles are growing there, more than 10, I couldn't count. The right ovary has a few but nothing worth noting. So the dosage remains for a few more days, but Dr P has started me on another jab (Orgalutran) at night to make sure I don't ovulate early and unexpectedly!

Just took the Orgalutran jab and it is painful as hell. The needle is thicker, and as I type this I can still feel the pain tingling away. Gosh, imagine I got to have another few more of those jabs coming up!

Anyway, the great news is that the follicles are responding really well, so well that the egg collection day has been pushed forward to this weekend! And then the embryo transfer the following week. Everything is happening so fast!!

Hopefully, hopefully, we would strike lottery and get it right the first time round...

First day of injections!!

2010-07-08T16:22:00.005+08:00

We are off to a positive start of the week, a very positive start to my IVF journey.

First off, the meeting with the breast surgeon was fine, she was not worried and was hopeful for me to be back sooner rather than later for a check-up coz that would mean that I got pregnant! On my 3rd or 4th month of pregnancy, I'm suppose to check my fibroadenomas in my right breast, in case there are any issues since I will be starting to produce milk for the coming baby.

She also said that I was in good hands, when I said that I was seeing Dr P for my fertility treatments. That's really positive for me.

Secondly, my parents seem to have woken up from their cold, detached manner... to being very concern and supportive. I wonder if my sis told them my thoughts, although she said she had not. But they are extremely nice now, offering to cook nutritious food for me, care for me, rest with them, live with them... and I am feeling even more positive, with them caring and praying for me, a baby will come true for us some day.

And thirdly, most importantly, my appointment with Dr P today was very effective and productive. He did an internal ultrasound (which had me cringing since I was still bleeding) and found nine little follicles on my right side, and some five to six more on my left side (including another darn growing endo-cyst). Did a bloodtest and everything came out fine too, so off we go, starting on the first jab for the cycle.

The entire injection procedure seemed easy enough. It was a pen injection, fairly idiot-proof, and I'm suppose to jab my stomach area, close to the belly button. The slight aching pain came after the jab, like something was slowly spreading in my tummy. But the needle itself was quite small, nothing sinister. I think I can do it myself, but it does give me a peace of mind to have someone qualified at home to do it for me.

I'm really not an extremely busy person, but to find a regular time for a jab was not entirely easy. The evenings are a busy time for me so I will really have to make an effort to be around at 5.00pm (my chosen time to jab daily).

Well, more injections and appointments with Dr P to come. That aside, Dr P was extremely positive, it was almost like a given, I am going to get pregnant. I like his enthusiasm, and all his nurses were also very positive and encouraging. My young age was a hopeful factor, and he said it is good that I am doing something about it now before it gets too difficult.

We have taken the IVF step, and looks like everything is finally going to happen.

EXCITING TIMES AHEAD!!

The days before...?

2010-07-05T18:25:00.005+08:00

I've started spotting, so looks like I will be paying a visit to Dr P sometime this week.

Tomorrow would be seeing the breast doctor, hopefully after that I can get my insurance sorted - finally. What a full week of visiting clinics and hospitals. It's the idle waiting around that gets to me... must remember to bring some books to keep my hands and mind busy.

I did a quick search on the blog, and was reminded that during my first appointment with Dr P, he found a good number of follicles on my left ovary. Hopefully this time he would find a good enough number to justify an IVF month. I so want to move forward.

Something also I wanted to note; I told my parents yesterday that there was a chance we were attempting IVF this month... and I was again, met with stony, indifferent silence. My mum was more engrossed with wondering what day we were going to come back to eat dinner. My dad was just busy eating his curry fish. The only question my mum asked was, "When you starting injections?" That's all.

Do they care at all?

It didn't bug me so much then, but I am crying now as I type this. All I wanted was for them to be a little teeny-weeny bit supportive. Wonder a bit. Ask some questions. Care?

Am I asking for too much?

The week before...?

2010-06-30T23:24:00.002+08:00

I decided to see Dr P's nurse (since he was away) to get some information on IVF before we start attempting next month. She was really thorough explaining what we should expect, and I learnt somethings which I had not read anywhere else.

Before IVF can even start, I would have to undergo a blood test to check my hormone levels, and ultrasound scan to see whether I have enough follicles to begin injections. Apparently some women may not have sufficient follicles to even begin an IVF cycle and would have to wait it out till the next month. What a bummer.

And I also found out that if IVF fails one month, you have to wait out a few months before attempting again (with frozen embryos this time). Bummer.

All these waiting around is making me anxious already.

It is so ironic that IVF is the one procedure for women go for because they do not want to waste anymore time, but it is the one procedure which requires you to wait and see, wait and wait again until the time is "right".

So I wouldn't know for sure if I can attempt IVF till my period starts and till Dr P gives the green light to start the injectibles. If it does happen, it would be a pretty filled month of appointments, jabs, medicine, procedures and anxiety. Brace yourself...

And I also found out that Dr P would insert two embryos into me at one time. Hopefully at least one would stick... the stats for this clinic is: 65% single pregnancies, 32% twins, 3% triplets.

They wouldn't promise or commit, but we may have to try more than once before we successfully conceive. Hopefully we don't have to, hopefully maybe after once... or twice.

Not much to say yet until the first appointment with Dr P. Will update more over the next week... fingers crossed.

The month before?

2010-06-23T16:10:00.003+08:00

Went to the doc a few days back, and the ultrasound showed three big eggs on my left side. He wouldn't commit to say if all will come out, but said at least 'some' will. I think my right ovary is a lazy one.

And because we were travelling that weekend, we couldn't go back to the doc for the hormone jab to ensure a strong ovulation. Timing, never on our side, always.

Anyway, the day I was expected to ovulate, I really felt sharp pains (on my left side) and cramps the whole day. Aches like I've never really felt before. Furthermore, I was spotting a teeny-weeny bit, which could be from a good ovulation! To be honest, I'm not sure if we covered all the fertile days, but I guess we can only wait now.. tick tock.

After the doc's visit the other day, we started to seriously consider going for IVF already. Maybe kickstart the first baby, let the endo die down, and then perhaps the next few kids would be natural. Watching yesterday's TV episode of the unbelievable "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant", a 57-year old menopausal lady got pregnant with IVF - there is hope for me still!!!

My hubby is totally supportive of IVF, and he had even told his mum, who was really excited of the prospect of multiples, "If triplets, then I hire two maids for you!!". I am keen to take the next step, not wanting to waste anymore time... but gosh, those days of painful injections are about to start! Am I ready? For real?

I got to watch the E! reality show 'Bill & Giuliana' recently, and found myself relating closely to their trials and challenges of trying for a baby. The episode I watched was the season cliffhanger, when they were waiting to find out if she was indeed pregnant after an IUI attempt. She did not get pregnant and as at January 2010, they announced that they will be attempting IVF. The both of them have the same thoughts, worries, and conversations - the same as ours, after every month of trying.

My doc has told us to skip IUI, and go straight to IVF. 'Grueling' was a word I read whenever IVF treatment was mentioned. Sigh. I think if this is the next step to take, then it is a step I will gladly take.

Once I start spotting this month, I'm going to make an appointment with Dr P. And see what happens from there... I think my hubby is serious when he says that he really wants multiples..!

Imaginary Due Date, part VI

2010-06-09T14:18:00.005+08:00

Wow the last month has really flown by. I don't think my body and mind ever clocked-in the days and weeks that went by.

But it is time, once again, for my imaginary due date if I were to conceive this month!! And the date we are looking at issssss........... 15 March 2011!!! Just under two weeks after my 29th birthday.

To think I was aspiring to be done with kids (all 4, 5 of them) by the time I am 33! Not happening, for sure. Unless I have twins or triplets all in one go.

I had a dream the other night that we went for IVF and got pregnant with triplets! But that dream became a bit of a nightmare coz our room was too small, and together with one maid I could barely handle the three needy, crying babies. After feeding, I put the first baby down and then by the time I am done feeding the third baby, the first baby is already crying for more. Like a non-stop cow, I was.

But if God was to bless us with any number of babies, be it one or three, they are already a blessing I would never forget and will always be grateful for.

Sometimes I wonder, in the further future when I am finally a mummy, if I would look back and think of the months and years we spent trying for a baby. The time when we got to live life by our own rules, our clock and our fancies. The time when we got to travel and pack our bags in a blink of an eye, nary a worry of "but what about..?" Will I miss those days?

Well for now, I shall just wonder if the Clomid is doing any work inside me! Am taking my second dose in 3 minutes, so far no hot flashes or scary tantrums or bursts of bad temper. Yet. We shall see.

Another go!

2010-06-06T23:32:00.003+08:00

Started spotting last night, looks like full flow would be appearing by tomorrow.

A bit of a dilemma, I want to start popping Clomid by my second day - earlier I had wanted to meet my doctor and get his greenlight before I pop it - now I don't see the point of wasting time waiting in the clinic just to get his "ok". But of course, I will still go back during the second week to be monitored...

I wonder if he would give me a hard time then, why did you take it without approval? A risk I may have to take..... or really, should I just see the doc first? Argh!

What a busy month of May

2010-06-01T15:39:00.002+08:00

Indeed it has been busy. Travelling, weddings, funeral, house-sitting, packing, unpacking, and most of all, work. Despite all the travelling that we do, we still need to travel for a break. What I give for a relaxing beach holiday.. a babymoon, even.

One more week till the end of my cycle now, and looks like this month won't be it either. We were so busy during the fertile period - by the end of the day, we were so tired that BD-ing was the last thing on our minds. We did do it at random occasions, but the heart and mind was just not in it..

I told my husband that I wanted to see the doc for another dose of Clomid next month. Maybe speed things up a little.

And perhaps, if nothing happens in a few more months, off we go to Dr P for IVF treatment. There should be no fear, no negativity.. like my husband said, it is a happy occasion if I got pregnant in the end. I shouldn't feel ashamed or embarrassed. There is hope for everyone.

We will know in less than a week's time! Perhaps next month's Clomid would work better for me this time round..

Just my thoughts

2010-05-16T18:45:00.002+08:00

It's rather random, but I feel this month is going to be fun. So many things are happening, so maybe it is good distraction for us while we try.

I want to take it easy this month, and maybe oh maybe something good will happen!

Go with the flow.. just enjoy the ride.

Imaginary due date, part V

2010-05-09T16:02:00.003+08:00

Here we go, one more time! The date my imaginary baby would be born if I conceive this month would be.... 14 February 2011! Valentine's Day!!

This date is especially important because we got engaged a day before Valentine's.

But it could be a tough time to give birth coz Chinese New Year next year falls on 3 February 2011! Doctors, mid-wives, fees, bills, would be double their prices, and won't it be harder to get hold of people because everyone is on leave!!

But my favourite part of giving birth that month is that we would have entered the Year of the Rabbit! That's my dad's year, and he would be so stoked to have his first grandchild born in the same animal year, 60 years apart. And if Animal Year myths are anything to go by, the child would have the same gentle, kind and sensible characteristics and personality as my dad.

Here's to hoping for a CNY baby..

It's just me now... I'm tired

2010-05-09T01:22:00.002+08:00

My flow hasn't really started yet, just bits of spotting... but I really want it to start by tonight or tomorrow. Looks like my cycle has gone a bit awry again, looks like I timed it wrong again..

A close friend just told us that she is 14 weeks pregnant - by accident too! What a wonderful accident I say - I hope this way her husband would treat her better. She is after all, carrying his child, the heir.

And then it leaves me, the only one who has never ever been pregnant.

I know the other girls are tip-toeing around me, knowing but not wanting to break the news to me. Good intentions, but I rather they just come clean with me - I would have figured out at some point hey? How can you hide a growing tummy?

I wish it was my turn already. Haven't I suffer enough? Waited long enough? Seen enough pregnant friends and family all around me? Done all that I physically could to try for a baby? Is it not enough at all?

I'm getting tired.. I mustn't give up, but sometimes I just want to go away, start life anew someplace else. Being in the four walls in my room, reminds me too much of the monthly aches of seeing my period yet again. I need to get away.

I am just so tired.

Another round?

2010-05-06T15:32:00.002+08:00

Before I know it, I think my new life in another country will be starting over the next few weeks. Funny how some things just click, and then you are onwards towards a brand new path - much like a railroad - the wheels of the train clinks and clanks into a different track, and off we go towards another route.

At this moment, it is much like a runaway train, things are just moving so fast and we are only just about catching our breath.

And again I wonder if it's the best time to try to conceive... we've waited and have been wanting so long, I think I am just going to take it as it comes.

If my past cycles are anything to go by, I should be spotting by today and my period starting full blast by tomorrow. I should be honest, for some reason I don't think this month is the month - it just feels empty.

I keep thinking back on all those people who say that they 'just knew' or they could feel their bodies changing and all that... so when I feel nothing, that means it just hasn't happen to me yet.

Some people say that they don't feel a thing at all, but eventually they do see something tiny changes to their mind and body. Not for me yet.

Maybe not this month then. More updates by tomorrow I hope! I hate to see my cycles go all awry again.

Sleeping aches

2010-04-30T02:00:00.004+08:00

Sore all the way behind my head. Utterly demotivated. Like a headache but not, a stiff limb but not. And strangely, all my joints (right big toe, both wrists, spine) are achey and tender-like. How the hell do I sleep these days??

I am at a point when I don't want to go to bed, as I do not want to wake up and wonder which part of my body is aching this time. What has changed? My pillow? The mattress? My sleeping position?

Also it did not help that the night before I had quite a bit of Chinese tea and gosh, I think I've reach the age when one cannot ever take Chinese tea anymore or risk spending the whole night trying to sleep. Insomnia that plagued me the whole of last night, right till I heard the birds chirping away at my window outside, what so painful it wasn't even funny.

Off to another country tomorrow - hopefully the change in bedroom scenery will get me back up to speed. It's not fun looking at any direction, when there is this dull pull of muscle at the back on your head.

I like these little getaways we do; gets my mind off the TWW... and in a week's time we would know if our recent month's dancing produced any little peanut!

Sore neck-up

2010-04-28T19:02:00.003+08:00

Gosh I woke up with a neck more stiff than the day before! This time the stiffness/soreness is all the way up the back of my head, on the left side.

And also, I feel some sort of slight ache or "congestion" on my neck near my ears and jawline. I was wondering if it could be my glands? Lymph nodes? It doesn't feel swollen, just like there's something pressing on it. A bit mucousy. Can't quite explain it.

As usual, whenever anything is different in my body I would automatically google to see if it has anything to do with conception or early pregnancy - I'm only human, and a female trying very, very hard to conceive - so don't judge me!

So far nothing concrete or qualified comes up about swollen glands for early pregnancy. Only that it could be dangerous when pregnant, coz swollen glands is a sign that something is not right going on in your body and the body is trying to fight it. Could be an infection.

Sigh. I am beginning to ignore all the funny twinges in my body during the TWW, it usually is nothing. After all, how many dozens and dozens of people have said that they usually feel practically nothing on the very month they finally get pregnant?? Life's like that.

Ahh... the dreaded two-week wait continues....

Stiff neck, sprained wrist

2010-04-27T16:04:00.006+08:00

I don't know how the heck I sleep these days but waking up with a stiff neck, sore back or sprained wrist is no surprise anymore. Just oh crap, not again.

This month, everything seems to be working against me and I am not sure why.. my handphone is not working, my laptop crashes on me, my neck hurts; it's just the general aura around me, like something is not quite right. I feel uneasy, fidgety. Something tells me perhaps this month will probably not be the month.

Anyway, I tried googling online for comments on whether too much Preseed is bad. I got a whole lot of comments that it gave them their BFP, and some saying that their docs telling them that it is no different from any normal lubricant, which is unfriendly to sperm. I highly doubt that a product like that can outwardly claim to be sperm-friendly, sold at big pharmacies, and be recommended by gynaes around the world - and not get sued already for misrepresentation. Especially in a legalistic world like ours. It just works for some people, and not for others. Hope it works for me.

While looking through the many forums on this topic, I found this cute, cute emoticon on how the little swimmers would be on a fast-track to the egg with Preseed, they would practically be flllyyyiiinnnggggggggggg!

Hopefully it works that way, and we get our BFP really, really soon!

So proud

2010-04-25T20:22:00.002+08:00

I'm so sooo proud of my husband. Five days in a row! And he's not feeling up to speed either!

Five days. Everynight before we sleep. With help from Preseed, it isn't so hard for him to go all the way.

Now that I have been introduced to the wonders of lubricant, I think I cannot do without it anymore. Only thing is that I can never gauge if I am naturally wet or not anymore.

Hopefully there are enough swimmers to meet the egg - I think it is on my left side this month, so many twinges and aches!

Fingers crossed.

Flu-ish

2010-04-24T17:02:00.002+08:00

I think I am coming down with something, much like flu. Can't stop sneezing, and my nose is leaking. Must have got it from my husband who also seems to be down with flu.

Lucky for us we are having Japanese for dinner tonight, so we could find some fairly healthy dishes to choose from. Something warm and soupy would be great.

And even luckier, I think my fertile period is almost over, so there would be no pressure for my husband to sow his seeds! Still, it is bad timing.. I don't want this little bout with flu lower my chances of keeping a healthy egg, or having it stick around.

Must get some rest! More sleep now!

Angst-y

2010-04-21T13:22:00.002+08:00

Just needed to vent.

Woke up this morning to remember that my husband would be out drinking with his regular bunch of frienemies tonight. I don't understand why he even bothers. All they are are a bunch of losers, drinkers, cheapskates, braggards, wannabes and cunning buggers. He gets nothing out of them. But if he wants to go, I won't deny him that.

Just that when he comes back, he is sometimes so whacked out, BD-ing is totally out of the question. And even if he does, he would be so lethargic, so half-hearted. And most importantly, won't that affect his swimmers?? Sigh.

I get so annoyed when he agrees to go to these monthly sessions without letting me know, at least I can tell him, maybe not this month hey? And he usually is very understanding coz he knows why. But sometimes he just doesn't tell me and it would be too late to cancel on them.

This is my fertile week and I am due to ovulate in a day's time. He really doesn't get it. I am sooooo frustrated, but hopefully by venting here, I won't spoil the day by losing it at him.

I wonder if there is any study done about doing it very, very late at night - how does that affect conception, if it does at all?

Some thoughts

2010-04-20T21:56:00.002+08:00

The past few months, we have been seriously considering a move to a neighbouring country for business, as well as, hopefully, a better quality of life. We've been actively looking around for apartments in the country, and looks like it is for real this time round.

These latest developments have started me pondering... should we then take a break from trying to conceive?

After all, moving down, starting a business, renovating a home, starting a new life - these are pretty big tasks, and could I cope with that while pregnant?

He doesn't want to take a break, he said we should take it as it comes. I agree with that too. But I cannot ignore the flipside; it's really just a thought.

I would love to fall pregnant by this year, this year is looking to be so interesting, nothing like the years past. What's better than starting a new life, with a new life with you?

It is an exciting time, looking at a place and wondering how your life would be, fitted into this new space we are to call home. Perhaps my children will grow up here.. something I had not envisioned years ago. Perhaps it would be a better life for them, exposure-wise, education-wise.

We are threading into the unknown, and I feel like I am surprisingly looking forward to getting to know the unknown a little better, and the sooner the better.

It's my fertile week!

2010-04-20T21:25:00.002+08:00

Time to get it on! According to estimates, I am due to ovulate in two to three days, so it would be crucial to fill up my tubes with healthy sperm a few days before the big O - and I don't mean an orgasm.

We are trying the BD-everyday tactic this month, and my husband must be so wary right now. Getting my supply of Preseed all ready, since it does make our bed-in much more interesting. No worries about being too dry.

Suddenly there seem to be quite a number of friends who are pregnant or giving birth, I don't feel super disappointed/sad - in fact, I find myself very curious, always checking their Facebook profiles, photos, statuses for any give-aways of being pregnant or baby news. Of course I wish I could be in their shoes, but my time will come - just gotta be patient for now.

Till then, hit the sheets and get some swimmers in place!

Drink milk

2010-04-13T20:47:00.004+08:00

I had my first cup of milk yesterday night. Milk, which I've not drank since I was maybe four years old? And to be honest, I did not mind it at all.

There was something comforting about sipping the hot, velvety, unassuming beverage. I thought it would have taken me hours to finish that whole mug, but it only took me 15 minutes. I think even my husband was shocked when he saw my almost-empty mug.

Basically, my cousin's wife (who was trying hard for her second kid) told my mum that her obgyn told her to take this powder milk, Anmum Materna (which is for pregnant women or women planning for pregnancy), as a supplement to help her body get ready for future conception. And it worked for her since she conceived very soon after drinking the milk everyday.

So I guess, why not. Milk is good for my health anyway, and if now is not the right time to get use to the milky taste; drinking it when I am finally pregnant may not be easy either.

I plan to take one mug per day, and we will see what happens from there. I'm suppose to take two glasses of Anmum milk per day, but I'm easing myself into this slowly. Milk. Hardly something I thought I would drink on a daily basis at all.

Suppose this will beat having to swallow a bunch of pills everyday since it contains folate, calcium, iron and a bunch of other essential nutrients good for the body. Right now, I've cut all my other vitamins and am only taking the folic acid ones daily.

Milk. Among the things I will do to get a baby.. *wry smile

No melons during the flow

2010-04-12T03:38:00.002+08:00

Am reminded once again why I don't take melon during my period...

It was light all day, and now it is flowing bright red again... with some horrible, tight cramps to go with it. How upsetting.

It was a tough day, and I must admit I wasn't being myself. Had a huge fight with my husband, and left two holes in my wooden cupboard, with mere ribbons to cover the ghastly holes I made. Not to forget the ugly scuff marks I've left on the wooden floor. I must have been so horrible today... What are we to tell people when they ask??

Get a grip, don't let hormones or thinking too much get to you. It was all so completely unnecessary.

Imaginary due date, part IV

2010-04-11T01:33:00.002+08:00

And the date we are imagining here this month is....... 14 January 2011 !!

There's a nice ring to it, hey?

No luck in Europe, but maybe I need to take it easy this next few months. This month's period was super heavy, but that's no big deal - I am happy to note that the past three months have 'regulated' themselves to a clear 29-day cycle. Much easier to track my ovulation date and fertile time.

Pooped out, it has been a long 24-hour day. Laters...

All ready to go

2010-03-18T16:09:00.004+08:00

Counting down to our trip!

I think I'm all prepared - got all the things I needed, including Pre-seed! Finally found a local store selling it, although a bit more expensive than other countries, it certainly beats stressing out if I have enough supply for the next month.

Hubby is really supportive of our conception efforts, I thought he would mind driving so out of the way just to purchase Pre-seed. In fact, he was the one pushing me to go get it. Glad he did, I may have very well gone overseas and regretted that I had no fertility lubricant to increase our chances.

I hope the first leg of the trip is fairly stress-less and easy-going... don't want him all tired out at the end of the day!!

May not have access to Internet for awhile, so will post if I can - otherwise, see you in a few weeks' time!

No more alcohol... please...

2010-03-15T20:59:00.002+08:00

Urgh. It has been 48 hours, and I still feel like puking. After a night out with friends, who made me drink a whole lot of alcohol - for the first time in my life, I puked up my dinner and passed out for the most of the weekend. What an embarrassment to myself.

All the puking has made my throat rather sore and burnt (by the bile), and my chest rather sore from all the heaving. Oof.

Waves of nausea still hit me on a regular basis - so this is how it feels like to have morning sickness all day long... urgh.

Can't wait to get this lethargic, hungover, nauseated feeling out of my system, there's still so much to do before we fly off!

TTC, take two!

2010-03-13T00:37:00.002+08:00

I have this excel sheet recording all my cycles, symptoms, doctor visits, fertility drugs, and previously my body basal temperatures - it is pretty detailed and I probably stare at this sheet for at least an hour everyday, entering the day's data and trying to decipher the month's cycle.

At the corner of each cycle's table, I would note down the number of months we have tried to seriously conceive a baby. I did not count the earlier months when we weren't timing, paying attention or knowing too much about conception.

After a quick think in the shower today, I've decided to 'reset' this number of months, and starting from last month - the count will start at one again.

After all, after the operation, we are starting all over again like a virgin couple, rite? It can be demotivating to see a number in the tens, when really, as much as we tried those tens of months - we didn't stand a chance.

My body has been 'reseted', and hopefully with a few more tries, we would have our baby...

Imaginary due date, part III

2010-03-10T17:49:00.006+08:00

I do look forward to my imaginary due date calculation every month. And this month is no different! The big date for us, if I conceive this month is.... 16 December 2010!

No other important dates that fall on the same day, but I am guessing we may have some weddings to attend that month - if I'm allowed to go. Just little over a week before Christmas, so this would be the best, best, BEST present to give both our families..

I never quite understood the pros/cons of a child born in the later part of the year - does that mean they gain one year at school, or lose one year? I personally don't get it.

If anything worth noting, the kid may be a bit behind in school as perhaps their motor skills and such may not be as developed as a child who is born in the earlier part of the same year. Does it work that way?

I am still keeping away from reading books about children, one part of me does not want to jinx it - but most part is because I don't want to get my hopes and expectations so high for something that hasn't claim its part in my life just yet. Books can wait, reading can wait, learning can wait.

"Everything comes gradually and at its appointed hour."
Ovid

Getting regular

2010-03-10T17:37:00.003+08:00

Finally, my new cycle has started and I am happy that my cycles seem to have regularise themselves - a 29-day cycle, for now.

If I get another 29-day cycle next month, not only will I start bleeding the day we go to Disneyland but I would still be bleeding on the flight back. Unless, of course, by some major stroke of luck, we conceive in Beaune - which is coincidentally, when our wedding anniversary falls too!

Now that would be a dream come true.

Of course, I won't tell my husband - otherwise he would never let me sit on those thrilling rollercoaster rides at Disneyland!!

I'm excited about our trip, after all, isn't it at such holidays that people conceive? Not that I am truly expecting anything just yet, but at least it's something to hope for..

Paris, here we come!

2010-03-09T17:06:00.007+08:00

I've started spotting very, very slightly today and my breasts do not hurt much anymore - that only means one (or more) positive thing...

Reims, Champagne...

Beaune...

Bordeaux...

... and Paris!

Baby-making, take two!

And ready or not, this time... in France.

Mood swings!

2010-03-08T21:35:00.002+08:00

Oh my goodness, today has been so tough for me. I have been, and still am, having these crazy mood swings the whole damn day!

One minute I am ok, next minute I am visibly annoyed about something - anything! -, frustrated, snappy, paranoid, sensitive, and sometimes to a point of angry, vicious tears! The hormones must be driving my emotions royally mad.

I've not felt like this for a few months, and it is very disconcerting when I feel like snapping at all my elders too. Little things like them talking too much, or letting out a smelly burp in the car, or sitting so comfortably that I have to sit on one grumpy butt-cheek all the way home. Little things which don't usually bug me.

It can be quite scary at times, because I feel like I have completely no control over my wacko mood swings, which can very well hurt the feelings of the person I've knowingly or unknowingly directed it to.

This whole moody character to me has PMS spelled all over it. Guess the end of the cycle is coming up. Onwards to France!

Potential Baby Names

2010-03-07T18:04:00.002+08:00

I've started a list of 'Potential Baby Names' on the blogsite, to keep track of names I've come to like, or come across in my daily thoughts of my future babies' names. I've got a feeling it's going to be a reallllly long list.

Some names will come and go, I probably have different thoughts about a name at different points in my life. And of course, my husband may very well like none of the names and at the end, we will choose something we both like. That's ok with me too.

I noticed that I seem to think out more girl names than boy names! It's so much easier to think of sweet, pretty girly names. A boy's name has to be strong, manly and meaningful.

Nowadays, it's so easy to twist and turn a name to make it sound funny or horrible - so choosing a right name is so darn important - we don't want our kid to be a laughing stock in school, hey?

And it's harder and harder to find a name which isn't already in use by a relative or friend, and harder still to find a name similar to a friend or relative whom we love enough to share our baby's name!

I'm not even going to touch on the topic of choosing a name which would mean something significant in Chinese. At the end of the day, I think it would be tough to choose a name which is universally loved by everyone in our lives - we will just have to settle with loving it ourselves.

Not sure what to expect

2010-03-07T17:03:00.003+08:00

This being my first full cycle after the operation, I really am not sure what to expect these few days leading up to the end of my cycle. My body seems to be reacting slightly differently to the hormones released at different points of the cycle.

My breasts have been tender for nearly two weeks, generally bloated most of the time, and my uterus have been feeling quite sore these one-two days. Some insomnia, tiredness, restless dreams/nightmares. Not wanting to read too much into things, I guess maybe this is how it feels to have a 'clean' fertility system. Once my period starts, perhaps I will get a better idea what a 'normal' cycle is like, in terms of cycle days, symptoms, etc.

Yesternight, I mentioned to my husband that I really wanted to go to Paris, since I've never been there before. So then he asked me if there was any reason to believe that I won't be able to go in two weeks' time, and I didn't.

But of course, at the back of my head, I would very willingly give up my air ticket, deposit of our accommodation in France, and a chance of a lifetime to travel the country with him - to be pregnant.

Paris can wait, but a baby is what I really want this year...

28 + 1 day !

2010-03-04T21:21:00.009+08:00

I still think it was an excellent idea that I made March my "Birthday Month", so if I didn't get to enjoy myself on the one day - I get to do that for the rest of the 30 days! Total satisfaction.

My yesterday was slow and easy-going, although for some reason today I did not wake up feeling so good. My tummy hurt a bit, feel a bit of gastric, and a slight backache (but I blame that on the hotel bed). But that aside, I enjoyed that I spent the whole day with my husband (eventhough he was always on the phone for work) - just as I wanted it.

We watched Idol before we slept (after dinner, cake, alcohol, a dip in the bathtub and a good shower), and we heard one of the male contestants sing a John Legend song, which was sweet and meaningful, despite it being a sad song. Now I must buy the John Legend Evolver CD!

The lyrics here are a bit off, but you get the gist of it!

Random thoughts

2010-03-02T17:56:00.004+08:00

Another day to my 28th year, and I've got a feeling that everyone who means anything to me, has either forgotten or is too busy to care. I dunno if it is a normal birthday-depression-feeling, but I am feeling slightly wary about tomorrow. Will I be disappointed? What do I expect anyway?

I plan to keep my day tomorrow busy, so I won't have time to ponder too much. Maybe something therapeutic like oceanlife-watching.

My cycle this month has been different, I am not sure if it's because of the operation. Reading online, some people say yes their post-laparoscopy cycle is different (either quite wacko, or a good different - an ideal cycle). Based on my random monitoring, I seem to have ovulated on a relatively 'ideal' day (CD14 or CD15) but my breasts started to get tender wayyy earlier than normal.

Breasts getting tender is said to be caused by the hike of the hormone progesterone in the body with ovulation, so that could be a good sign that I have indeed ovulated. The key is to keep having these tender breasts alllllllll the way - since that could be a sign of something positive.

Anyway, back to some randomness, I wonder if I would indeed ignore my family for weeks and months, if they really did forget my birthday?

Will 28 be the lucky year?

2010-03-01T21:52:00.002+08:00

I will be turning 28 in a few day's time. My birthday wish last year was to conceive, but it did not come true.

The same wish will be quietly uttered in my heart and mind before I blow the candles of my cake this year too. A more fervent wish it will be too.

Perhaps year 28 would be the big year for me. We shall see, hey?

My always hopeful husband

2010-02-28T15:49:00.002+08:00

It is so funny, but very sweet in his optimism and hopefulness.

Once I've ovulated, everytime I feel crampy, gassy, a twinge, tired, sleepy, moody, constipated, hungry - or heck even full! - during my 2ww; he would get all keen and ask, "Implantation??" Without fail!

I find it very endearing, but I know better that implantation is something I probably would never feel or notice - it's all hindsight, after all!

Superpowerly fast 2WW

2010-02-26T15:06:00.005+08:00

I'm re-reading the fourth series of the Twilight books, and have reached the part where she figures out that she is pregnant. Because it is a vampire's spawn, her pregnancy is super fast - growing fast and symptoms appear much earlier.

Imagine how much more efficient the world would be if humans evolved that way, speeding things up in the production line. You make love, then oh! you find out you are pregnant the next day, etc etc.

I would like this fantasy for more selfish reasons, I just cannot stand the obsessive two-week wait (2ww)! I want to just know, when it is finally my turn. Some women say you will know the moment you have conceived, but I haven't had the pleasure of feeling that just yet.

The girl in the book would eventually give birth in a few short weeks too, I vaguely remember - gotta continue reading. But for my eventual first pregnancy, I'd like it to take it slow... enjoy being pregnant, enjoy this little being that is growing inside me.

But of course, this is assuming I will be one of those mothers who sail through their pregnancy with no super-bad morning sickness, bloating, acne, and all that jazz!

But to be honest, I think I will take whatever horrible effects of pregnancy, won't knowing that you are pregnant counter all the bad bits of it?

Oh I dunno anymore

2010-02-25T00:55:00.004+08:00

Oh man I wish I had some sort of something that tells me hey, you've ovulated, stress no more! But hah, as if life was that easy. Don't believe in ovulation pee-sticks, so don't want to go down that route.

Tempted to take on the BBT-taking in the mornings again, but I dunno... maybe in two months time, if there's really no luck. The doc seemed really dismissive about it, but I must admit my temps have been rather accurate.

We did do the whole alternate day thing this past week, but I honestly don't remember being exceptionally wet except for one day - but I had thought it was the Pre-seed that caused the EWCM. Oh I dunno anymore. Must buy more Pre-seed, so it won't matter!

I wish I was still being monitored by the doc, at least he would be able to tell me if I have a growing follicle, and I am indeed about the ovulate. Right now this guessing game sometimes drives me crazy. I think my husband is probably so damn wary of this time of the month (more so than my PMS time!) - coz I just want him to make love to me everyday until I am sure my fertile period is over! I want to cover all bases - and I keep changing my mind on my approximate ovulation date. He must be so drained.

Yesterday I was feeling rather odd - my tummy sort of hurt, and my breasts/nipples were sort of tender. 'Sort of' being the keyword here coz it comes and go, and when it goes, I wonder if I ever felt it at all in the first place! And mind you, these are purported symptoms of ovulation.

But of course, I must add that we had a couple massage yesterday too - and after being rhythmically pummelled for a whole hour, I will not discount my 'sort of' moments of pain and tenderness in my body as the aftermath of that session.

Well, perhaps one more go under the sheets tomorrow and we hope for the best. My husband has been so understanding, and so giving. I don't know how ready we will be when the baby comes, but I sure as hell know that he would be a wonderful husband to his pregnant wife.

Fingers crossed.

Pulled the goalie

2010-02-21T22:33:00.003+08:00

Pulling the goalie means to stop the use of contraceptive devices.

We haven't used any form of contraceptive for as long as we were married, but this month is exciting because this is our first month attempting, on a fresh slate. Like we are trying for the first time, all over again.

Just like the secondary virginity talk I was torturing my husband with before we got married! How ironic.

I would be extremely optimistic to expect anything this first month of attempting, but it is exciting nevertheless. I am finally trying to conceive as a normal fertile woman!

More and more so these days, I am beginning to imagine how it would be like to think back of my TTC days. After a few kids, would I still remember the tears and despair that came with every monthly period?

My husband and I spoke the other day, about how happy the family is going to be when our little one finally comes along. Let's all hope he/she is adorable and lovable!

Is it my chicken eating?

2010-02-19T01:22:00.002+08:00

I haven't stop spotting daily since the operation, but I think it's because my body is still healing. Slowly, but surely...

I joked with my husband that it's because I've not been refraining (much) from eating seafood, chicken, duck and everything else, which is traditionally taboo to a recovering patient of surgery.

But seriously, what if my negligence had caused my wounds to heal insufficiently?? What if??

Then I'm in deep shit.

Must, must, must remember to not eat seafood, chicken and duck for at least another week or two. Boy, it is so darn difficult!

When I give birth in the future, the one month confinement is going to be real tough...

A new year dawns

2010-02-14T11:07:00.003+08:00

Happy Chinese New Year world!!

All's well at the start of the New Year, but what I'm most looking forward to is conceiving a kid this new year.. After all, something's gotta be done about getting angpows back!!

It's only been the second year, but the little twinge of giving away money, and lots of them, hasn't quite gone away yet - if ever!

Fingers and toes crossed!

Imaginary due date, part II

2010-02-09T23:11:00.006+08:00

Based on a rough calculation on the calculator, my due date IF i conceive this month is 17 November 2010!

That's like close to no one's birthday or special date, although ironically for us, it is Hari Raya! But I may be pretty close to a friend's wedding date and I don't know if they are superstitious - coz a pregnant woman is not suppose to be at a wedding as they are said to 'suck away' the fertility from the bride (or something like that, the stories differ)

I never quite believed in it before, but after accidentally hugging a very fertile, pregnant friend during my wedding - I am beginning to feel like these superstitions obviously started with some truth behind it. No smoke without fire, they say. Well, it's just not a good feeling anyway.

Well, November, December, January 2011... whatever God gives us, there will be so much love awaiting the baby... We must be patient.

Number of kids?

2010-02-09T22:53:00.002+08:00

I think I can do 3. Or 4. Maybe 5.

Yeah I think I can.

Nothing less than 2.

BUT.

Will get back to you after I get past 1!

My period finally started today... the next month is going to be so exciting!

Suddenly, I realised

2010-02-08T15:39:00.003+08:00

Suddenly, suddenly, suddenly.

I realised that with the pending divorce of the close relative. I would be elevated to be the one and only daughter-in-law of the leading Wong family: the main branch that holds everything together, organises all the annual CNY/family events, leads, supports and sponsors the whole family emotionally, financially and sometimes, literally.

I will have to inherit all the traditions, responsibilities, family secrets and stories, recipes and so much more... to pass down to the later Wong generations. Nothing should die along with the parents, and my husband and I will have to produce the successing Wong generation to carry on our traditions and family values.

Suddenly, suddenly, suddenly... I feel there is a lot on my shoulders.

And I really should start to learn the recipes of all the renown Wong family hakka dishes, this cannot stop in our parents' generation.

Tiring weekend

2010-02-08T14:50:00.003+08:00

What a busy last weekend was. The friend's wedding was very relaxed and fun, and the after-dinner dancing with friends did my spirits some good. I can't remember another time when my husband and I were dancing with no inhibitions, singing along to the music.

It was good to speak to some of the girls about my surgery, and most importantly, how we found out and why we did it - then their own or their friends' stories came out; of them checking their fertility standing, finding something that shouldn't be there, and their own conception journeys. I'm not alone in this.

On the other side, we were told of a sad story of a close relative and his wife who will be divorcing soon. This year being their last CNY as a married couple with the family, which I feel that will be all an act, a charade, which they both shouldn't have to subject themselves too.

A fault of both, not just one, but I think their journey started the same way ours has - some fertility issues that had to be fixed. Could be pride, much ego and so much understanding from both parties. It is truly a pity that one of them could not bring himself to go for the sperm analysis. And a bigger pity that no child was produced in their 10 years of marriage, to hold them closer together.

Sad news to ring in the new Chinese year, but I hope to see that this new decade will bring more peace of mind, happiness and fulfilment to the two of them, in their separate lives, than the past decade has.

I've got the good one, my mum-in-law always tells me. And I'm glad I know I do.